Thursday, October 09, 2003

I must attribute the idea of keeping an online journal to Marcus, a friend from the Wesley Foundation at A&M.

I Ryan Morton am a follower of Jesus Christ. This statement has been true since 11:35PM July 27th, 2000 in the sanctuary of a Methodist Church in Friendswood Texas after a worship service on a wendsday during a week of UM Army. Since that day, my walk began. I am a deep thinker, thats all there is to it. I'm not boasting saying this, but my thoughts encompass around the greater picture where ever i go. God is present everywhere. Even as I place my testamony into text God is working through the text sharing his message through my thoughts. I've talked to God more than any person on earth since I've come to college. He and I are very tight at the moment. This does come with a downfall though cuz i know i am human, i know i am going to slip, fall, cut my body ( I have a bad tendency to require stitches every 1-2 years), and practically fall walking with Christ. This is inevitable and it breaks my heart to know the time will come. I will break your heart god, i will knowingly do that which you forbid (Just for who ever reads this info, when I ponder to myself, such as now, I tend to just direct my comments towards god systematically... so deal with it lol). I know that the second i ask for your forgiveness, its granted and the entire sum of my guilt and shame becomes differentiated to zero. It makes me want to cry with joy when i think of the awesomeness god has on campus life. I HAD NO CLUE I would be able to worship god the way i have the past weeks. Let me tell you, God has been ever-so present in my life and i have many stories to prove it!!!

Haha its funny how i think someone will actually read all of this, its cool though it lets me vent... speaking of wanting to vent, i have noone to vent to yet :(, still searching for a true "best friend" that will listen to my ales and fill me full of thiers. Just thinking of this makes me miss friends from home. Ya know, i really don't know how to write a journal... maybe i should focus on a topic... hmm i'll just consider this an introduction to my thoughts. I walk through campus each day, (sometimes ride) wondering about the many people walking around me. I wonder if they too possess the awesomeness of the holy spirit or even if they have heard of this. Outreach has been a focus with my christian walk for a few weeks now, and GOD DEFINATLY has blessed me!!! it has been SO awesome :) . Just thinking about what i've experienced compels me to have to hold back my emotions and not drip tears of joy. Ever since i was little, i've been considered a "cry baby". I remember in 8th grade i was getting picked on in football, someone stole my lunch check and taunted me.. i just started crying :(. That is how i deal with great stress as well, haha i bet you haven't heard that from many guys! I remember the second I was told a day before graduation that i wasn't going to graduate. If i tell someone this story they kinda shake thier head... pretend to understand and care. I'm like.. if they only knew the pain, heartache, anger, disappointment that revolved around my head that day. My faith definatly took a beating, all i wanted to know was why. The drive home was one of the most dangerous things i've ever done, i don't remember ever being able to keep my eyes dry enough to see... all i thought about was the 68 i made on the test i had just taken to try and test out of health class... Senioritis mixed with an intense case of procastination had caused these pains... so anyways I am having the worst day of my life, my relationship with Tiffany, my girlfriend of, at that time 8 months, and I was also going through many misunderstanding causing an overall damper on the week of graduation. I was Not excited about graduating, it was a very horrible weekend. So yeah let me regroup and cut off the rambling, i could go on all night chatting about experiences of the past! Ha! Actually, this is kinda current. Let me describe to you the worst day of my life at Texas A&M. The depression of this day alone surpasses the sum of my entire time here. First off, I have to work at 8AM and its a thursday night. A friend from home wanted me to go dancing.. i kinda blew him off cuz the weather was HORENDOUS!! it rained REALLY REALLY hard. So I am headed to wesley cuz thats where i like to go to "hang out". I had gone home the weekend before and my parents are in a stage at which they really haven't excepted the fact that I won't be in thier lives much anymore. They Hate Change, period. So i am the typical college student that doesn't call them on a systematic basis. So .. i hadn't talked to them since the weekend before... Anyways.. i get a call from Mom. She is very upset and starts off saying how much she loves me. In order for you to understand the emotions that the phrase "I love you" from my parents means to me, you will have to hear of my childhood. My homelife was in no way affectionate. As soon as I hit 5th grade I evolved into a state of rebellion. I was the "grunger" whom wore the airwalks, vans, baggy jnco's.. jamed to Marlyn Manson, Korn, Metalica, and many other depressing bands in which i sought shelter, sought coolness. I rejected my parents, I disowned them. Why? haha good question, only God knows why. Ever since that evolution I haven't gained physical or verbal affection back from my parents. I streched my dad's patience to a point that would drive the ordinary human mind insane. His will power surpasses that of most. I look up to him with a passion and it shatters my heart thinking of the pain I've caused him. He has a great heart. Dad has sacraficed so much just to give me the chance, give me the hope, give me the ability to succeed in life. All i want to do is to make him proud like most kids do. He has worked many long saturdays, out of his own free will to get a little extra money to make our lives a better place. For this i am thankful and will never forget. But back to my horrible night...... mom informs me that our Loan has disappeared... the loan that had been signed sent off, accepted by A&M had disappeared into thin air. This i knew could be handled, this wasn't by anymeans the reason i cryed that night. Money is nothing but a medium in my life. It only gives me the power of survival. The reason I became so distraught is because I had called my mom earlier that day to tell her that they needed her to call them with her SS# ect. in oder to find out info on my loan, had to leave her a message. The moment she heard there was a problem with the money situation, she left work, knowing that it could have possibly been the worst time ever, pissing her boss off, driving back home, 45 min away (because long distance is free at home phone). As soon as she got there she devoted hours straighting everything out for ME! Her livelyhood at stake! man i was so like WHY would you do that mom? you know your boss is going to get pissed! what gives you the intuition to sacrafice so much for such an undeserving person such as myself??? there is no way i could every repay my parents. The moment i talked to my dad, i could hear the pains of his heart screaming, I could hear the weakness of his voice and that weakens my knees just to think of my great father, 6'4'', stout great man to be humble in my presence.. that is something that i haven't felt since I was little. After we talked for a little bit, we said our good byes and there exisited an unsurmountable silence on both ends. Then he gracefully exclaimed that he loved Me. This comment was a barrier breaking experience for both of us. Its like all the years of rejection, anguish, disentment and what-all else you wanna call it was washed away, just as Jesus can wash away our sins. It was as though our relationship was rebirthed into something great. After we hung up I was definatly emotionally unstable and headed to the sanctuary and prayed for an hour, then called an awesome friend, Rober Strong, and prayed with him over the phone (this guy is awesome). I hadn't experienced faith in person with anyone at the wesley yet.. LouLou could sense my anguish and made the effort to reach out, which i am truely grateful for. That is why i love the wesley foundation, it reminds me of home, friendly and careing even though they can be weird at times!! haha just kidding. But anyways what toped the night off, as i was driving back to my dorm the rain pelted my windshield causing me to only be able to see like 10 ft ahead of me.. so i'm driving through northgate trying to get on university and 3 drunk remain arbitrary in the middle of the road with me at almots zero visibility. I slam on the breaks and skid into a girl and she actually gets hit by my bumper but its like im not moving at all though. This tramatized me for real i didn't know what was going on, what was god trying to get me to realize? i could not figure it out. I had already had a horirble night, repented, praised him. I just couldn't find his will in the situation!! i still don't know why.. maybe it was to even type these words and describe how he has a will no matter the situation!! who knows!! either way it was hella scary! so yeah thats the worst night at A&M i've ever had. well im headed to bed.


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