Saturday, October 11, 2003

How was god present in my life today?
this question is something i feel is required to be present in a christian's heart.

Today i was blessed cuz i had a cool ASM let me off work a little early so i could make it to the game with Wesley, i was excited! I think this was a god thing for realio! the fellowship was awesome.

I think god is telling me something that i really need to explore the definition of... patience.. it hit me like a sack of bricks tonight. If you guys didn't know already... i have given up dating.. until when? well untill i think that god has made me the person i need to be. I feel the calling of being a leader once more. I was projected as a leader through highschool and i know i will want to here. Right now will be preperation for the awesome things to come in my life. I have never heard myself talk about wanting to be a leader untill tonight.. maybe this is a sign. Sometimes i try to avoid coming to the realization that i might be called to be a leader.. i am scared of the fact that god might want this for my life because that would mean great sacrafice.... something the secular world of today makes extremely challenging... The only way for me to ever know what god wants with me is to ask him!! and i've been beggin that he tell me for a long time!! when the time is right he will drop me the d/l. I'm debating what church to go to tommorow!! i'll pray about it tonight and let god lead me in the morning.. good night and pleasant dreams.

Friday, October 10, 2003

80's rock my world! I got back from the BYX open party tonight, it was bumpin... i must admit the women's fashion of the 80's is definatly a turn off... lol. I went with marcus, we rolled hard haha. I met lots of fokes there and hung out with Tiffany for awhile. Well i can't think of much to say about tonight now.. i started a the begining of a long paper... gotta finish it tommorow plus make time to visit tiffany after working from 8-12 and going to the game... i most likely will leave early to go work on my paper! I once more notice how anti-social i truely am. I got to know really noone tonight but i did spend time with tiffany so its all good. I think she got mad at me though... she wants me to go eat tommorow with her friends so i'm gunna go. She asked me and i was like well hopefully.. and she did the little puppy dog face.. ahhhhgggg. so yeah thats where i'll be tommorow night. Oh yeah!! i talked to my parents for like 30min tonight.. they are mad at me because i haven't contacted thim in like 7 days... haha they never responded to my email!! but mom said she spend like an hour typing me an email and it didn't send and she didn't know it so they were worried about me for a long time :( . i felt bad and dad pretty much said i have to contact them every 3 days... lol. Bill is doing better!! (hes the old dude who got run over by a tractor). They poped his hip into place easily and he just lost alot of skin on his back so hes going to be ok. I can't wait to get back home and visit now, i'm actually missing my parents haha. I miss the times i had with my sister and playing with my dog... ahhg. In college i can only get by knowing that god is there for me.. i don't know how i would survive and be able to stay away from unsatisfying wants without him.. i wouldn't be able to thats all there is to it. well this is good night fella i gotta hit the sack now.

see ya l8rs journal!

Thursday, October 09, 2003

This is Thursday night... the conclusion of a very ackward night. It had its blessings and depressions, but its all good im still kick'in right? The worst part was I didn't get to play with kids :(. That is 2 weeks in a row i haven't been able to make it, that is so uncool. My engineering group made me stay and finish a project due on tuesday... I was so sad :( .

A blessing would definatly have to be Upstream. That is an awesome ministry. The worship might need a little less accoustic and more vocals but its great either way! My group has to be the coolest. We played sardines in the MSC, it was fun hehe! The best part had to be worship, it was great stuff! Then we went to Bernies and had some late night ice cream and chatted about random stuff.

After i departed from the group i found a grassy knoll and watched the clouds fly past the moon, it was so awesome... I could stare and see the bright moon shine through the clouds. It was amazing how the mind illustions played with me.. hehe. It looked like the eye of god was looking down upon me. So yeah tommorow i gotta work at HEB at 8AM... good stuff that means i get like 6 horus of sleep!!!! weeeee. I will be a drone bagging groceries the first 2 hours.. then eventually i will wake up. I have to work during the game too :(, i was looking forward to going to the game with the wesley. Oh well I'm headed to bed, I don't want to be totally inoperable tommorow!
bye journal! (lol)
Thursday is a day i look forward to each and everyday. Why? well... no school on friday!! haha, that, by far, is not the only reason. I am ecstatic about the fact that i get to play with precious kids tonight! I love kids, thats all there is to it. Through highschool i participated in the PALS program my junior and senior year... (which is why i've never had chemestry or AP physics lol). The PALS program allowed my inner self to blossom into the person I am today. Leadership and role modeling is something I will always cherish. The only problem with my leadership skills is the fact that when the opportunity arises to aquire the position, I am the last one to volunteer, especially if i am not very very acquainted with the subjects of the group. So im shy... Another reason is I hate to see people in anguish. It saddens me to see that i may have caused someone's heart to break, feelings to be hurt, or any other pain in someones life over something like a position. I think that if I am able to prevent any of this happening, there won't exisit tension or hard feelings towards myself the rest of the year. This happend way too often in high school club elections and within my own youth group. So let me finish about my day to come!!

For lunch, at 11:30 i get to meet Michael, my Upstream group leader and some more upstream guys in group 10 baby!! They are awesome! Then tonight is when Upstream occurs so its gunna be like super duper awesome!, by the way i am passionate for the word "awesome", it is a descriptive word you will hear often from me.

Problems with this weekend. I have many many issues to deal with, and I don't think I am going to be able to handle them all! For one, I haven't checked my schedule at HEB yet.. so I don't know when i work.. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN GO TO THE GAME! Its insane, but work comes first, Period. God has made me keep this job for a reason. He knew that my loan would magically disappear causing me to rely on my job for weekly expenses... ESP. since i have a meal plan for one a day and i've only used like 10 all year.. lolz.. im insane. I think i'll get smoothies for all 3 meals in one week.
Ok now to list the things that I want/need to partake in before the weekend expires... for one, my ex-girlfriend is coming up from AtM Galveston to watch the game... she is staying at a friend's house named Kelli and I want to spend time with her! Two weekends ago I got to get to know Kelli very well, its kinda funny she lives like two blocks down from me in my hometown and coincidentally we never got to know each other. Kelli is an awesome christian as well as her sister, and we shared all of our views on life and contemplations of dating in general. I think the lack of social skills on my part has placed a subconcious or possibly concious barrier on our friendship though, so i don't know what is going on there. Then my bestest best buddy from home is going to a Jeremy Camp concert Friday and I so wanna go cuz I haven't seen him in a long time! I don't think i'll be able to make it :(. I also have to fit in a 6 hour Lab due by 8am on monday.. so.. that is going to suck... also physics is due monday and that will be horrible :( .

There has to be a reason why i am not able to have a girl as a best friend. Tiffany and I are good friends but its kinda hard to not have a best friend in college station. I don't know why but there must be a reason!!! I only wish they could comprehend the fact that I am not attempting to advance into thier personal bubble, I just don't know how to communicate without the hint of flirting i guess, heck I dont even know what flirting is constituted as lol. I was talking about this with tiffany, we are good friends even after we broke up, this isn't something seen very often but it definatly was a God thing.. We share with each other our godly experiences, and, of coarse, I try to run away all the guys because she can't date if I'm not!! lol just kidding. I think she thinks I'm a control freak.. i probably am and just haven't reached the realization yet.. haha. Words can take my knees out though.. she knows how to hurt me let me tell ya! she doesn't do it on purpose though!! (incase she reads this lol). Apparently she thinks that i think that everything is always about me.. which is most likely true.. that could be why i don't have any true best friends right now. How am I to fix this?? good question. When i meet someone I get to know them.. the basic questions. I love to throw questions of faith out first, I am a sucker for a good theological discussion, and i love hearing of other's faith. Its something that definatly tickles my intellect hehe. But in the end I can never follow through with meeting someone. I talk to them once, connect at a certain level and have to disconnect and can never establish that connection again.. yeah that was really nerdy haha. My personality requires that I connect with the group of friends before I am able to just be cwazy and totally open up to a new level. I REQUIRE atleast a mild understanding of the generation of thier thoughts so I am able to compensate and not produce an action that will hender their relationship with God or myself.
As a christian, the biggest complaint i hear from non-believers about the body of christ as a whole, is that they question our decisions made out of church. They ask how can Christians attend church sunday with a hang over? How can they act so entirely hypocritical and not possess a guilt unsurpassable of God's love for us? Well, there are two answers to this question:

1.) Christians who practice hypocracy reflecting God's image to non believers in an unpure way are in a sense false prophets. They at a very low point in their walk with christ, but the difference between a christian drinking and your average joe is the fact that they know they are sinning, they know that they have fallen in thier walk, and they are living with unsurmountable guilt that is resulting in driving themselves away from christ. The awesome thing about it is that if they full-heartedly ask for forgiveness and repent thier slate is washed anew and they are relieved of all guilt and stress.

2.) Once someone has accepted Jesus Christ into thier heart, felt the awesome power of love God gives you for One Second as Max said in a past sermon, he will never turn back to a life without christ. Being a christian doesnt mean we don't sin, premarital sex, lie, cheat, steal, ect. ect. ect. It only means that we have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that relationship entails that doing those sins would breaks his heart, but there is a way to gain forgiveness. We have accepted him into our lives and thanked him for giving his life to forgive us for all the sins listed above. This forgiveness is infinite, all we have to do is bow humbly before god and repent. Thats it! thats how christians are able to sin and remain christians.. its a concept that non-believers must experience!! because it breaks my heart to see someone lost.

SO ANYWAYS.. now that i have once more rambled with passion.. hehe. I am going back to the subject of not opening up untill i can have a mild understanding of thier thought process... that is just how I am.. hehe.. quiet untill proven safe! Well anyways im gunna head off and meet my upstream group now, maybe sleep for 15min before! haha. byebye journal!! (lol)

I must attribute the idea of keeping an online journal to Marcus, a friend from the Wesley Foundation at A&M.

I Ryan Morton am a follower of Jesus Christ. This statement has been true since 11:35PM July 27th, 2000 in the sanctuary of a Methodist Church in Friendswood Texas after a worship service on a wendsday during a week of UM Army. Since that day, my walk began. I am a deep thinker, thats all there is to it. I'm not boasting saying this, but my thoughts encompass around the greater picture where ever i go. God is present everywhere. Even as I place my testamony into text God is working through the text sharing his message through my thoughts. I've talked to God more than any person on earth since I've come to college. He and I are very tight at the moment. This does come with a downfall though cuz i know i am human, i know i am going to slip, fall, cut my body ( I have a bad tendency to require stitches every 1-2 years), and practically fall walking with Christ. This is inevitable and it breaks my heart to know the time will come. I will break your heart god, i will knowingly do that which you forbid (Just for who ever reads this info, when I ponder to myself, such as now, I tend to just direct my comments towards god systematically... so deal with it lol). I know that the second i ask for your forgiveness, its granted and the entire sum of my guilt and shame becomes differentiated to zero. It makes me want to cry with joy when i think of the awesomeness god has on campus life. I HAD NO CLUE I would be able to worship god the way i have the past weeks. Let me tell you, God has been ever-so present in my life and i have many stories to prove it!!!

Haha its funny how i think someone will actually read all of this, its cool though it lets me vent... speaking of wanting to vent, i have noone to vent to yet :(, still searching for a true "best friend" that will listen to my ales and fill me full of thiers. Just thinking of this makes me miss friends from home. Ya know, i really don't know how to write a journal... maybe i should focus on a topic... hmm i'll just consider this an introduction to my thoughts. I walk through campus each day, (sometimes ride) wondering about the many people walking around me. I wonder if they too possess the awesomeness of the holy spirit or even if they have heard of this. Outreach has been a focus with my christian walk for a few weeks now, and GOD DEFINATLY has blessed me!!! it has been SO awesome :) . Just thinking about what i've experienced compels me to have to hold back my emotions and not drip tears of joy. Ever since i was little, i've been considered a "cry baby". I remember in 8th grade i was getting picked on in football, someone stole my lunch check and taunted me.. i just started crying :(. That is how i deal with great stress as well, haha i bet you haven't heard that from many guys! I remember the second I was told a day before graduation that i wasn't going to graduate. If i tell someone this story they kinda shake thier head... pretend to understand and care. I'm like.. if they only knew the pain, heartache, anger, disappointment that revolved around my head that day. My faith definatly took a beating, all i wanted to know was why. The drive home was one of the most dangerous things i've ever done, i don't remember ever being able to keep my eyes dry enough to see... all i thought about was the 68 i made on the test i had just taken to try and test out of health class... Senioritis mixed with an intense case of procastination had caused these pains... so anyways I am having the worst day of my life, my relationship with Tiffany, my girlfriend of, at that time 8 months, and I was also going through many misunderstanding causing an overall damper on the week of graduation. I was Not excited about graduating, it was a very horrible weekend. So yeah let me regroup and cut off the rambling, i could go on all night chatting about experiences of the past! Ha! Actually, this is kinda current. Let me describe to you the worst day of my life at Texas A&M. The depression of this day alone surpasses the sum of my entire time here. First off, I have to work at 8AM and its a thursday night. A friend from home wanted me to go dancing.. i kinda blew him off cuz the weather was HORENDOUS!! it rained REALLY REALLY hard. So I am headed to wesley cuz thats where i like to go to "hang out". I had gone home the weekend before and my parents are in a stage at which they really haven't excepted the fact that I won't be in thier lives much anymore. They Hate Change, period. So i am the typical college student that doesn't call them on a systematic basis. So .. i hadn't talked to them since the weekend before... Anyways.. i get a call from Mom. She is very upset and starts off saying how much she loves me. In order for you to understand the emotions that the phrase "I love you" from my parents means to me, you will have to hear of my childhood. My homelife was in no way affectionate. As soon as I hit 5th grade I evolved into a state of rebellion. I was the "grunger" whom wore the airwalks, vans, baggy jnco's.. jamed to Marlyn Manson, Korn, Metalica, and many other depressing bands in which i sought shelter, sought coolness. I rejected my parents, I disowned them. Why? haha good question, only God knows why. Ever since that evolution I haven't gained physical or verbal affection back from my parents. I streched my dad's patience to a point that would drive the ordinary human mind insane. His will power surpasses that of most. I look up to him with a passion and it shatters my heart thinking of the pain I've caused him. He has a great heart. Dad has sacraficed so much just to give me the chance, give me the hope, give me the ability to succeed in life. All i want to do is to make him proud like most kids do. He has worked many long saturdays, out of his own free will to get a little extra money to make our lives a better place. For this i am thankful and will never forget. But back to my horrible night...... mom informs me that our Loan has disappeared... the loan that had been signed sent off, accepted by A&M had disappeared into thin air. This i knew could be handled, this wasn't by anymeans the reason i cryed that night. Money is nothing but a medium in my life. It only gives me the power of survival. The reason I became so distraught is because I had called my mom earlier that day to tell her that they needed her to call them with her SS# ect. in oder to find out info on my loan, had to leave her a message. The moment she heard there was a problem with the money situation, she left work, knowing that it could have possibly been the worst time ever, pissing her boss off, driving back home, 45 min away (because long distance is free at home phone). As soon as she got there she devoted hours straighting everything out for ME! Her livelyhood at stake! man i was so like WHY would you do that mom? you know your boss is going to get pissed! what gives you the intuition to sacrafice so much for such an undeserving person such as myself??? there is no way i could every repay my parents. The moment i talked to my dad, i could hear the pains of his heart screaming, I could hear the weakness of his voice and that weakens my knees just to think of my great father, 6'4'', stout great man to be humble in my presence.. that is something that i haven't felt since I was little. After we talked for a little bit, we said our good byes and there exisited an unsurmountable silence on both ends. Then he gracefully exclaimed that he loved Me. This comment was a barrier breaking experience for both of us. Its like all the years of rejection, anguish, disentment and what-all else you wanna call it was washed away, just as Jesus can wash away our sins. It was as though our relationship was rebirthed into something great. After we hung up I was definatly emotionally unstable and headed to the sanctuary and prayed for an hour, then called an awesome friend, Rober Strong, and prayed with him over the phone (this guy is awesome). I hadn't experienced faith in person with anyone at the wesley yet.. LouLou could sense my anguish and made the effort to reach out, which i am truely grateful for. That is why i love the wesley foundation, it reminds me of home, friendly and careing even though they can be weird at times!! haha just kidding. But anyways what toped the night off, as i was driving back to my dorm the rain pelted my windshield causing me to only be able to see like 10 ft ahead of me.. so i'm driving through northgate trying to get on university and 3 drunk remain arbitrary in the middle of the road with me at almots zero visibility. I slam on the breaks and skid into a girl and she actually gets hit by my bumper but its like im not moving at all though. This tramatized me for real i didn't know what was going on, what was god trying to get me to realize? i could not figure it out. I had already had a horirble night, repented, praised him. I just couldn't find his will in the situation!! i still don't know why.. maybe it was to even type these words and describe how he has a will no matter the situation!! who knows!! either way it was hella scary! so yeah thats the worst night at A&M i've ever had. well im headed to bed.