Saturday, December 04, 2004

Outside the darkness is slowly easing away as morning makes its mark on the night sky. Light filters across the horizon, and the dawning day washes over everything in its path, gradually dissolving the blackness in its wake.
It is twilight. No longer night, but not yet morning.
In Romans 7, Paul describes his Spiritual twilight
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good
Romans 7:15-16
The law is good by revealing our innate, sinful nature. It reveals our flesh's chains as slaves to sin. Whats been so awesome for me is to realize God's purpose for us as a Christians. To meet with Him humbled, and to meet with Him at a malleable state in order for Him to shape and mold us into Godly tools for His Kingdom's advancement. There is no other way to do it without realizing that even though we have been born again, we still possess flesh. We possess sinful desires that deceive our hearts and spiritual defenses. Blatantly put, we screw up. But God gives us Grace, and to say that just because he gives us Grace and doesn't care would be outside the Christian teachings. It would be a piece of theology that Satan would enjoy infecting the hearts and minds of men and women across the world.
The extreme term to this idea called antinomianism

The doctrine or belief that the Gospel frees Christians from required obedience to any law, whether scriptural, civil, or moral, and that salvation is attained solely through faith and the gift of divine grace.
What God has shown me is that in order to be a Christian, I must come before Him with everything. I know this is a very "used" idea... but there is a definite reason why, its simply biblical. Jesus Christ said drop all you have and follow me. That is also very "used", but its simply biblical as well.
The more broken I become, the more malleable I behave.
I've asked God how to become more effective, more penetrating, more genuine and I continue to get the continous same answer. There is no more "rebirthing". You are born of the water and spirit once. There is no next level. From the point of spiritual conversion and onward I must continually become less and He become more. Desiring a deeper impact is very productive, but thinking that it will require me, in some form or fashion, become a different person is unbiblical. God said in John 14 that we have been equiped with another Counselor who is the Spirit of Truth and a beggoted faction of God and Jesus Himself, if you will. We are equiped with every potential possible of this world and the next. The Spirit within us has potential to do things even angels "long to look into" 1Peter1:12. The constant battle of Christianity is for those who call themselves "believers" to actually believe. To actually make moving mountains with faith a reality. To abolish any restraints of the Spiritual abilities. When was the last time you witness a healing? When was the last time the Holy Spirit came down upon a group in your presence? Do you see these things, and do you, without a doubt, believe in thier occurances?
When Peter began to sink while walking on water Jesus simply said - "Oh you of little faith," He said"why do you doubt?"
I'm assuming Peter's inititive was to prove himself a Spiritual being. To prove his Faith. What I think God has been telling me these past few days is to just freaking DO what the SPIRIT is telling me to do! Its that easy. Thats how easy life is. JUST DO IT! Nike :)
Just live the entire Christian life... not pick and choose pieces of it and stick with that.
  • Pray that you would be filled with the Spirit.
  • Pray that you would be shown ever poisionous aspect of your life.
  • Pray that your perspective would be from the Eyes of God.
  • Pray that you would continously pray and meditate about all of the above, along with endless scriptural foundation for every thought, idea, action, and even spoken word!
Twilight - Not yet day and past the encompassing darkness of night.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Taking into account my perspective of life a year ago, I consider myself transformed indefinitely. My sensitivity to the Spirit and discernment have exponentially grown thanks to Jesus Christ.
Throughout the past year I've found a statement to be absolutely true. This statement has proved to even serve as a "measurement tool", if you will, for my spiritual walk and even the well-being of my soul.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall
just kidding... or am I?(yes)
The summation of my soul's wellness has been defined by the ways in which I've reacted towards the sin I commit in my own life.
Jesus said that our faith must be greater than the faith of the Pharisees. The Pharisees did not have an intentional faith, but rather ceremonial foods that they described as things which diverted God's wrath. Boy where they wrong-- lol
The way I react towards sin in my life coincides with the condition of my well-spring of life, the heart.
I believe the answer to the common question, "How are you?" is found this way. The question's true purpose is to establish the healthiness of another's soul with an intent of compassionate contemplation. Jesus said to share the Good News, which is His Word.
In this time, in between full day, I'm torn between God's way and my way. The farther I've walked Spiritually the more absolutely painful it is when night begins to invade. All of Twilight could be taken to a different level of actual warfare. God is at war with Satan. The purpose of the war is for God to win hearts and souls to praise his name. The purpose for Satan is to do absolutely anything to have us do otherwise. The only thing that can't be tampered with is Free Will.
I am between the midnight and dawn of my soul. I'm in twilight. The darkness is not completely covering my heart, but the sun hasn't come up yet. Hope comes from knowing that the God who began this good work is going to complete it. Over time the sun is coming up.
anyways! its past my bedtime
these next two weeks will require some great perseverance for some of us saints!
~Forever Forward~

Sunday, October 31, 2004

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart the mouth speaks"
Luke 6:45
"For where your treasure is your heart will be also"
Matthew 6:21
"Above all else, gaurd your heart for it is the wellspring of life" Proverbs 4:23
"Tremble, and do not sin; Meditate in your heart, upon your bed, and be still. Selah."
"...How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path."
Psalms 119:103-104
"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness"2Cor11:30
"Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training, "They do it to get a crown that will not last; we do it to get a crown that will last forever"
"Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates the body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God"

Thursday, October 28, 2004

"But if I say, 'I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name ',
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot."
Jeremiah 20:9
so yeah this week wasn't all that fun, extremely stetching, but not all that fun. Knowing that I have once more grown in my dependence of God is awesome, but getting that dependence relies directly on tests and trials. How else would I recognize the need for a gracious God? 2Corinthians 13:5 tells us to literally initiate tests ourselves, so we are "without excuse" if tests are not being given to us frequently.
I was blessed with the opportunity to share my faith as well as the Gospel with my father this week. That is by far the most challenging thing I've done in my entire life. My dad is awesome though, he carries a "big stick" so to speak. Hes very opinionated and very.... "always right", lol. Its hard to talk to him is what I'm sayin. Getting into a psychological perspective is pointless so im just gunna say talkin to him about Jesus is the biggest fear I've had this entire year (well its been most evident this particular year). This is mainly because i absolutely knew it was going to happen. I knew that there was a "next step" conversation waiting to happen whenever I went home. The world is deathly hungry for truth. It is hurting out there for someone who really cares.
"If you set yourself on fire people will come from miles to see you burn"
John Wesley
John is speaking God's truth. The world is aching for Christians who live for Jesus and live by what their Manual of Abundant Life tells them. It is absolutely impossible for a Christian to live abundantly and not read God's Word. Why? because you are human. You can read Huckleberry Finn in eighth grade and recall ... well.. actually i can't even remember the main plot.. wasn't he on a raft or something? Do you see my point?
God's word must be burned into your heart.
It is your wellspring of life.
Jesus came to bring us life and bring it to the full.
That is the only way anyone can be effective. What determines whether your are a Christian is the intentions of your heart towards God.
"For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the Kingdom of heaven" Matthew 5:20 --
Jesus was speaking to the Law abiding Jews (Matthew 4:25), those who knew how to obey God in the eyes of other men-- those whose moral codes idealy lined with the Moral Law instituted into man by God. Luke 18:11-12 illustrates the righteoousness that the pharisees. It illustrates thier lack of intention to be real and of full intention before our God who reads the heart.
If you never meditate and become engulfed in God's word you fill the role of a modern day pharisee, a fake, a nobody. If you have never intended on pleasing God with your entire heart, soul, mind, spirit then I don't know what to say, you need to seriously have a talk with someone Godly. lol
The biggest thing that turns people off from Christianity is Christians themselves. Christians who don't walk by the spirit and humble themselves before the Lord on a daily basis.
A guy told my friend "Kubi, I would go to the ends of the earth and even die for Christians who live like you, Christians who live the I'm third life, (God first, others second, yourself third). But man, I am not seeing it. I can't call myself a Christian when there are so many who do don't live it. There is one thing i want to ask you to do though, I want you to go back to Honduras this winter break with me and tell my family what you told me."
Kubi goes to TCU.
But back to my story this week... Its been my prayer for a very long time before I go to bed that God would hound my father's soul. That God would break him into nothingness so that he would realize his sinful ways past his many dead, stone hard layers of pride.
My prayer has been answered.
The Gospel is being preached in my house.
My father is listening and aching for understanding
"Ryan I just don't understand how I could have lived this long and not understood the bible thing"
Hes ready to be Taken.
~Forever Forward~

Saturday, October 23, 2004

.:intentional disciple:.
The battle has been painful this week, just as it should be(2Cor12). Why? well the details are frivolous, but in a nutshell, I prepared very quickly for 3 midterms and a paper causing myself to squeeze every second of my week for all that it was worth. It was amazing.
So i ask myself this question, was i truly malleable?
Can i honestly look back on this week and see how God changed my life? How have I been conformed to the ways not of this world?
to kinda answer this question, Thursday of this very long week, i was definitely feelin stinkin weak. After hardcore studying/trying not to worry about my tests, I let a few mindless comments take my knees out.
but the most amazing thing happens while on my knees.
Jesus Christ whispered into my ear..
Hey bud.. guess what? my grace is sufficient for your weakness. Guess what else? I want you to delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties because that is when i really get to see what you really got goin on for Me(2Cor12). I get to see who you are under your many masks of the world. I get to dig into what you are hiding behind, what false securities you go to bed at night trusting in. I get to test your faith.
Get excited Ryan, the battle is won bud. Set your hope on the Grace to be given when Christ Jesus is to be revealed(1Peter1:13). Guess what else son?
I've planted you as a tree by the stream. You do not fear when heat comes, your leaves will stay green regardless. You have no worries in a year of drought and you will never fail to bear fruit, for blessed is the man who trusts in Me, whose confidence is in Me. (Jeremiah17:7)
He tested my heart, my mind, my intentions as he says he does. My realization was the fact that I was and still am to a lesser extent focused on what the silly temporary world has to offer. I focus on rotten trash. I focus on spiritual poison, as opposed to the pure spiritual milk Christ has to offer (1Peter2:2). Day after day God shapes the heart..he shapes our entire life--
" Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand.."Jeremiah 18:6
~forever forward~

Saturday, October 16, 2004

So, this is the first time I've blogged in a long time. Its mainly been because I've had little time due to working and studying, but its partially because I felt that i might have been substituting blogging in the place of transparent relations with people. Well I suppose this summer was different since i was away for awhile. So why am i blogging now? Let me ask myself.
Self why are you blogging?
To show exactly how much my life has nothing to offer, and to show exactly how unplacid it really is.

Like i said earlier i have absolutely nothing to offer in this blog, so stop reading if you are thinking contrary (like that is possible!). I do deserve hell. I do deserve to be sent to a place to be constantly tortured and in agony because that is exactly what i cause every day of my life. Infact, I deserve something more lowly then hell. What are my intentions of this paragraph? To show portray a humble servant? That is crap, I really am wicked and that is exactly my point.
My heart is defiantly beating with Jeremiah as I've been studying the book the past few weeks... His prayer pretty much describes it all..
"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for a man to direct his steps. Correct me , Lord, but only with justice --- not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing" Jeremiah 10:23-24
If i could only grasp how in the heck God is able to be so extremely pissed off at us, yet so deeply in love with us.. I defiantly think I would be sinless. I would be perfect. I would know the deepest sorrow and the deepest most passionate love and be able to balance them. I would be God... but thats impossible. What God has been showing me these past few weeks is quite simple.. but then again its beyond understanding. crazy how God does that..Hes told me something a little like this..
"Hey guess what Ryan", - God ...
"Hey man whats up?", -Ryan
"Did you know that i am really stinking big?", - God ..
"Oh... I had no clue you where that big" - Ryan
So.. what does that silly convo mean? (and yes it did take place)It means this... God is big...(haha jk).. God is big enough to have a personal relationship with each and every person ever to be created or even begot for that matter (lol).
God showed me that his plan for me isn't found in church doctrine.. isn't found in church traditions... isn't found in anything to do with what man has established here in this life.. absolutely nothing. There have been many bold and courageous Christians in the past.. but He told me that even those guys aren't going to be able to show me what He wants me to be doing... God told me that the most important thing for me to do is not to eat food.. drink water.. but instead its to have a quiet time.
Words cannot express how important it is. For those of you who don't know, I'm being discipled by a 34 year old ex-marine chaplin. Guys.. this guy is exactly who i want to be like. (thats why hes discipling me). I am disciplining my life to be more like him. As paul said... be like minded, I am doing so with this man. What God has shown me through this man is priceless.
True dependence on the Lord requires me to recognize him as my lifesource. He must be my existence. When I don't have a quiet time, i cannot survive. What would i be living on? Bread alone? Or on the every word that comes from the mouth of God? (Deut8:3).
Set a time daily for your quiet time, and protect it with your life.
So what is my quiet time? what is my "technique" so to speak... How in the world do you have a quiet time? My short summary will give absolutely no justice.. so remind yourselves of my lack of knowledge.. and the fact that what I have to offer is worthless, and let God reveal to you what your own unique quiet time should consist of...
start off.. get on your knees. bow down before your master. tremble in His presense.
without this first vital step, you might as well do something else. He reads every intention of your heart. If it is anything besides meeting with Him, you might as well be sleeping.from there.. pour your heart out before the Lord. Pray for everyone else, humbly consider others better than yourselves(phil2:3). Lastly pray for your time with the Lord, that it would be fruitful and that you would have an open mind and an open heart. Pray that you would grasp, apply, and remember everything that you learned from Him.
Take action. Write down what He shows you. Be a disciple, a student.
anyways (i gotta get some sleep)... my quiet time is designed for myself.. i read a book from the Old Testiment, a book of the Gospel, and a letter in order to hear different perspectives and to get an overall knowledge of the bible itself. (right now jeremiah, Luke, peter).
There is no format or traditional way to a quiet time... Paul talks about how "hollow and deceptive philosophy are dependent on human tradition and basic principles of this world rather than Christ"Collossian2:83
What defiantly is required though is a vision. A plan of action. A plan of attack.
Why is it so hard to have a quiet time???????????
Let me tell you. Why in the world would Satan attack a person who never prays or reads their bible?... Why would he make the lives of Christians who don't fully seek God's will almost unbearable? He wouldn't! because you are absolutely no threat to his kingdom.
Once you pick a fight, brace yourself. Fortify yourself for an invasion.
If your bible isn't worn, your sword never leaves its sheath.
I urge you not to satisfy yourself with a life of mediocracy... live life and live it to the full! John 10:10
~Forever Forward~

Thursday, August 26, 2004

John 15:9-11
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."

John 16:24
" until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

Got Joy? Are you in God's love?

Isn't life great? I woke up this morning thanking Jesus Christ for one more day, one more battle. I fight in a battle that is already won. Its a burdenless battle until the fighter himself doesn't stay within his own ranks (aka God's love). Who would do such a thing? Who would leave certain security? Why would anyone be prideful enough to think that they are capable of waking up.. getting dressed.. planning your day.. putting your "game face" without first lifting your fists towards Jesus Christ proclaiming His glory and his sovereignty over your life. How can anyone pursue anything without putting God first? Lets look at some imagery real quick. Each day is going to be a paper cup. Satan, the Prince of this world, is going to be rice. God is going to be ping pong balls. In order to truly put God first, one must put the ping pong balls into the cup first.. let them hit the bottom, "roots" of your life if you will. If you decided to skip out on God, how are you going to fit Him in later when the rice has overtaken you? You Cannot. You are a simple human destine for failure. You will break God's heart today. Does that break yours?

1John 2:6
"Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did" where have your feet taken you?

Revelation 3:15-16
"I know your deeds, that you are neither hot or cold. I wish were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot or cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth"

Philippians 2
" If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose."

Make my joy complete brothers and sisters. Be like Christ. Make disciples of all the nations.

~food for thought~
if every Christian were to make two disciples right now... spend 6 months with two people and just totally pour into their lives, where would the world be today? the discipleship chain would be unbounded to infinity. God's glory would be spread to all. He calls us to perfection, and we drop the ball.

~Forever Forward~

Saturday, July 17, 2004

This summer has been a real pain to keep this thingy updated... since... i'm gunna be away for like.. 11 weeks.. so yeah don't expect much updates :p
--- Well im back to the wonderful confinements i call home.  Well at least im back for about 10 hours, haha. UM Army was all that-- and i do mean all that.  As tally mark four, this year was one of this most unique since.. well I was on staff... I felt so useless.  I knew nothing about what I was doing the first two days, i pretty much followed around my co-safety girl (who knew everything) and tried my best to squeeze out some of my heart into the lives of others.  And, by far, this year had the most amazing sites I've ever seen.  I will never forget how Josephine's proclaimed how she was  "Taken" .. over and over.. after seeing all what we had done for her.  She was (i'm pretty sure) 83.  Her couch was infested with rats, 7 to be exact... she couldn't wash clothes because rattle snakes were bedded around her washer... water poured through her bedroom roof... and the first day the team working there watched her eat cat food for lunch.  They didn't know she was going to eat it.. they couldn't stop her.  Her son also lived with her and he was about in his late 40s.  He was in tip top condition guys.. he was built.  His room in the house had no leaks.. it was fully furnished.. carpet.. clean, it was an entire different world than what his mother was living in right down the hall.  He had a lock on the outside of her bedroom door to lock her in when ever he pleased.  It only made the situation more devastating.  How could anyone live in such conditions.  At night she said two little eyes were always keeping her company somewhere in the room, whether it was a rat or possum. 
 God placed it on the director's and many other's heart to help Josephine in every single way we could before the week ended... so get excited guys.. we've all seen trading spaces... well this is more like.. trading lives.
In three days we took all the furniture out of the house.. killed every little pest, ripped the outside lock off her door, refloored nearly the entire house, reroofed the house, got her a fridge, microwave, 2 AC units.., put linoleum down in her kitchen, living room, hallway, bathroom, bedroom, utility room.. sprayed her entire house for everything.. Gave her real food.. and plenty of if, let me tell ya.  This client broke so many hearts guys, it was unbelievable. 
The verse that really defined UM Army for me this week was

2 Corinthians 2:17 
"Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity as men sent from God"

(ALOT of people knew it was my verse of the week too :) )
This is a magnificent portrait of what Christianity is all about.  Its not about the "Do's and Dont's", its about the "I Wills, and I Wants".  We aren't a body of rule followers, we are a body of believers.  What we believe in doesn't preach about how we should be "nice" or conform to "modern Christianity".  It preaches about love, love, love. Thats it. Love.  If you allow your heart to love, everything else will follow.  What the world does is numb us, causing us to do things and worship things that bind our loving ability.  We are a perverse and self-centered society that runs as far away from God's love as possible. 
John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.."
Oh well... once more i proved to be the most absent-minded person on the face of the earth.  On the way back from kamp last month i left my term check in my friends truck in Dallas.... GO ME!!!  ... aaaaand today i left my laundry bag full of stinky.. dirty... grimy.. uhh did i say dirty? gooey... grotesque.. (blah you get the picture) clothes at the church in Wharton.. why did i leave them??? no clue... got busy doing little chores for peeps.. oh well i'm just durn airheaded.
GET EXCITED!!! Kamp cheers are running through my head... I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET MY NEXT 48 KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pray for me guys, pray for my kids.. pray i would live far above reproach.. that my heart would be the softest material possible for Christ to leave his imprint.  Pray he would keep me energized and that he would increase my discernment to an all new high! 
"But when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears"
1 Corinthians 13:10
Peace be with you brothers and sisters
May His face shine upon you :)
~Forever Forward~

Saturday, June 26, 2004

well i'm back, I guess.

How was kamp? good question, but I would rather you ask "How wasn't kamp?". Kamp was everything. One of the things we teach the kids after archery is that the technical professional term for missing the bulls eye is sin. Guys Kamp "hit the mark" more than anything I have ever been apart of. The reason why 350 kids came to know Christ this month was because of the perfection every single councilor and leadership staffer strive for. Guys I truly believe that without that ambition that kamp would have been nothing. Kamp pretty much raised the bar for my entire life, thats how kamp was. I have a new standard. My life was perfected this summer because Jesus Christ worked on my heart while i was isolated from the world. I was able to sit in His throne room for 6 weeks, whose life wouldn't change? I had 4 groups of kids ranging from 12 to 14 years old, 48 kids total. Christ shone in each of their faces every night at devo and every day during activities. God rewarded me the last 3 days of kamp this term and it blew me away. After the last week's Cross talk, 7 of my kampers accepted Christ... let me tell ya, there was a huge group of angels rejoicing in my tepee cuz over half my kampers that week took off thier modern Christian masks and became new believers... I was able to share the joy with God and it was so humbling. The bar has been raised.

three questions that will burn from my lips:
Who are your men(/women)?
What scripture are you memorizing?
Who are you evangelizing/dicipling?

1 Corinthians 13
If I am to speak in toungs of men and angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbol

Saturday, May 08, 2004

what is real? what is true? is there such thing as coincidence?
Do you believe each and every tiny particle arranged of this world plays a vital role in your every day life? If we rid even the smallest thing from existence, would the world collapse as we know it? Would His intricate design be the same if he left one microscopic detail out?

God's blueprints of this world and its dimensions are perfect. Without acknowledging this how can you live a life of purpose and truth?
A buddy of mine made a very profound statement tonight. We were actually watching a spider spin a web on the docks of Somerville lake... "How could anyone ever doubt that there is a God". How could such a tiny thing have the know how to spin the design? Where did this knowledge come from? Who teaches spider's how to spin webs?-- Someone had to do it. Someone had to design the biological features that allowed the spider to be born with the innate knowledge of survival. Its kinda like how you can throw almost any animal in the water only to find out that they could swim better than you (well for me anyways). So ya know this applies to humans too... we, as babies, can cry for example... if this wasn't something that came along with birth, how would the parents ever know if a baby was hungry... (imagine teaching your kid how to cry, lol)

spiritual rebirth?
Jesus told Nicodemus that he must be born of the water and spirit..."Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the spirit gives birth to spirit" John 3:6. Our spiritual birth is not of this world-- yet we are still given an "innate feature" called the Holy Spirit. We believe that when we are saved this feature, the Holy Spirit, resides within us. Jesus then follows with this verse
John 3:8 - "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

This verse is a true definition of how God has been for me this semester... i know I've been kinda talkin craziness for a little bit.. and i doubt many get past the few lines of dullness.. but this verse explains this year.

The wind blows wherever is pleases...
Our God has reigning sovereignty over all, period. He's omnipresent, omnipotent, and composed of everlasting love.
You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit
Ahh man... i could go on all night about this little sentence. I've got an everlasting hunger that I feel sometimes will never be fed while living in such a lavish Americanized lifestyle. My entire life's atmosphere is surround by materialism... its sickening. This hunger is defiantly the product of a zealous search for Him. From the very beginning i devoted this year to the Lord. What I mean is while experiencing my first year of college I decided to do so with the Lord. Words cannot describe the changes he has brought.. i can read my past blogs and slap myself in the forehead over and over.. and over and over... and over... and it keeps going... infact it grows exponentially... lol. This past semester God created in me an undying passion for the Him.. one that cannot be kept silent. I have such great confidence that I will be used in a huge way to glorify His kingdom, and I've really searched for what that calling is. I applied to Kanakuk the beginning of the semester, I had such a great peace about applying that I almost knew for certain that God wanted me to do this.. i remember sitting there in the chair at After Dark and feeling the light click on when they talked about the kamp. And behold! i survived a rigorous interview where a man dissected my spiritual life piece by piece and was able to describe things about myself that even I didn't know in less than 45 minutes... I'm so excited that I get to know him a lot more this summer. This application process happened last fall.. so by the time spring came around I had my doubts once more whether I should serve at camp.. or whether I would even be accepted.. and so here I was wondering what God wants me to do this summer and Pine Cove's "Club" worship service comes into town. I went and partied for a night there, and yes Pine Cove does rock if you have doubts or are unsure. I started talking to some friends who were working there this summer and decided to apply just to "make sure" I'm not missing out on an opportunity to serve. After just really praying about it though, and after another interview with those guys I pretty much decided that it wasn't gunna be for me and didn't fulfill the application requirements. So what next??? Spring break rolls around and I get an email from Kanakuk right before I was gunna leave to go on a canoeing adventure! I had gotten accepted and really had a huge peace about who I am and what I am seeking. So this spring semester I had missed a lot of upstreams to start off with because I pretty much buckled down on school and Thursdays is notorious for hosting A+ tutoring sessions for physics 208 smack dab in the middle of upstream. I didn't really think about applying for Upstream leader until I had a little convo with traci for a few hours one night... I from then on I really prayed about it and was convinced that it wasn't coincidence... I was convinced that God was challenging me to apply to lead this group next semester-- So I did so, and went through, yet again, another interview process. The questions were great, everything flowed well. And well after that interview I was really confident of my future as a Christian, not necessarily as an Upstream leader but as a Christian. I knew at that point that God had given me a great idea of who I am and who He is in my life. I knew at that point that faithfulness in Him would be everlasting and omnipresent because I can see no turning back, I can see no life without Christ as the facet that pivots my thoughts and desires. So with the year winding up I've been really looking at the path i'm taking academically and questioning whether the gifts God has given me will be used best through aerospace engineering inparticular... I dunno this sounds really weird and very well possibly could be a sign... but i have never actually flown in an airplane before.. and I am planning to design them.. is that uhhh normal? lol. At one point I just wanted to quit school and flee from America and its Satanist impressions on society, and live a life of simplicity and devout servitude in a deprived land. I've heard so many amazing stories of how God is able to work so masterfully in the places in which faith is soul purpose that everyone wakes for. With great faith God is able to do so much more, such as moving that mountain. So anyways the past week I've been really contemplating my major and have decided to wait on the grades, but I'm thinking i want to switch to a different type of engineering discipline. One that I could would be a little more useful in possibly. I am still not sure but I know God will provide, that is the beauty of it all. This week I got this call from Upstream and got told that God didn't have plans for me to serve in Upstream next year, so now I'm kinda wondering where my ministry should be this upcoming fall. I'm prayin about it and do have a few open doors but I don't want them to be anything that could be the product of selfishness, so i'm kinda just sitting back and listening right now.

I have a heart for missions if you haven't caught that yet. I want to serve "over there". I want to become integrated into the everyday life of people who need the Lord. The only thing is God hasn't opened the door yet.. but i feel so ready! I'm not in a state of concern as much as it anxiousness... Seminary is very much in the picture as well :) A few of my friends are doing that and it just seems so right. I was kinda talkin about this with a friend the other night... my future plans and what possibilities there are, and he was talkin about how well i adapt with people here and how its not easy. So yeeeeeeeah i am still so clueless!!!!!(but thats exciting at the same time)

So this is where this kinda ties in.. I hear His sound, I feel it. I honestly have no clue where it is coming from, and its such a beautiful mystery. As far as knowing where it is going... i obviously have no clue but am anxiously in awe as he leads me on my own unique path.

Isaiah 40:3-4
A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain

I'm preparing the construction of this highway, and He is going to see to it that the valleys will be raised up and the mountain and hill made low. That's the awesome beauty of crucifying yourself and living totally by faith that He will provide and see you through the worst of times. All it takes is faith.

Crucify yourself. Let Him reign in your life. Proclaim it each time you wake up.

What an amazing year.

~Forever Forward~

Tuesday, May 04, 2004


I have changed this past week more than probably any other in my life. There are so many things I want to say... but it is 4AM and i just got home. This song can sum it up for now...

Wait, I might hesitate
Am I a minute too late?
Please Lord, I need to know, this pressure's got me letting go
If I'm wrong, will I still carry on and end up where I belong?
*ah* I've never felt this way before

I've never come so close, I've never worn so thin
I'm stepping out instead of closing in
Left myself behind when I made up my mind
No turning back, this is my new design

Sometimes I feel so alone
It's like I'm standing out here on my own
I've never felt so far from home
It's coming on, it hits me when I step outside my zone (x2)

I see what your doing to me
Could have been you so easily
But you look the other way, even though we were close the other day
And I'm still trying to get up this hill, I need you just like a pill
*ah* I've never felt this way before

bridge and chorus

Do ya get the feeling everything will be alright?
I'm moving; so pleased to meet you, but I'm moving on
Tried to pass it to another, but its coming on
I can't wait to find out, break me, I cant seem to climb out of this hole
I'm stuck again; if I'm not out in a minute
I'm jumping in; lets start again
I'm sick of this, lets just get it out
Are ya feeling it? Move it back, ya wanna feel how real it is?


sometimes I feel so alone!

Friday, April 30, 2004

Well I believe you when you would say your hand will guide me everywhere
well i receive the words you say every moment of every day,
well I will walk by faith even when i cannot see, well because this broken world will plant your will for me.
Help me to rid my endless fears - you've been so faithfully for all my years
with the one breath you make me need - your grace covers all i do. walk by faith-jeremy camp

God has given me a great deal of peace this past week. Hes keeps making his presence so obvious that there is nothing for me to do but be abundantly joyful. The hope he gives me is my peace. I know that I am taken care of... I know there isn't a sin I can commit that will screw up my life, for our God is just.

"...through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the glory of the Lord" Romans 5:1-2

all it takes is faith to save your soul from eternal condemnation... all it takes is faith to relieve yourself of so many worries...
A deep intimate relationship with our savior fixes.. all our problems. He puts us at ease.. lifts the massive yolk. Jesus has more than just love for each and everyone of us.. he has a romance that is capable maintaining a personal, intimate relationship with every person on earth. If that doesn't put you at ease.. i dunno what will. Jesus is your Savior.

UPSTREAM IS AWESOME!! we had our last meeting last night :(, .. it was so tight though.. we went to this random train bridge way outside of town at like 12AM and had our groupage till like 2AM.. it was way cool

I am so pumped right now.. i've had such a great 2 days.. waking up past 12.. doing NOTHING!! and having a road trip tomorrow to UT!! dang man this is just great :) I finally faxed all my kanakuk documentation stuff off today.. they must have called me like 5 times since march.. the due date... lol... silly lazy Christian kids. Anyways im off to spend the entire night playing Halo like there is no tomorrow... it is going to be so awesome you should wish you were coming.. 3 X-Boxes... 3 TV's.... 8+ people.... (some of the girls are better than me.. ). Halo could be described as the game that connects the nerds and the jocks... its like a universal game for all social groups. anyhooo
May His Peace be with you

~Forever Forward~

Friday, April 23, 2004

Upstream "rocked my face off" tonight. I got to hear a lot of really awesome testimonies and total jam out with the amazing praise band.. guys this upstream praise band is like no other.. they know how to rock out. Our section of 2 Corinthians we covered tonight was soooooooooo awesome and applicable to just me in general :)

I am so blessed. I deserve nothing that has been given to me.. my truck.. my knowledge of this world.. my family.. anything man. I deserve to be starving in Ethiopia.. facing true physical suffering.. my troubles are nothing proportionally to most of those in third world countries.. They say its hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven... guys.. if you are American.. going to college... have a house.. A CAR.. in proportion to the world's population.. man you are loaded... The entire earth is God's kingdom.

so anyhooo.. Paul is tellin the church of Corinth about a vision he had in third person starting in 2Cor12:1. He goes and meets God in the "third heaven" --

( scholar speculate that this third heaven is where God resides...
"It was certainly a very extraordinary honor done him: in some sense he was caught up into the third heaven, the heaven of the blessed, above the aerial heaven, in which the fowls fly, above the starry heaven, which is adorned with those glorious orbs: it was into the third heaven, where God most eminently manifests his glory. We are not capable of knowing all, nor is it fit we should know very much, of the particulars of that glorious place and state; it is our duty and interest to give diligence to make sure to ourselves a mansion there; and, if that be cleared up to us, then we should long to be removed thither, to abide there for ever. This third heaven is called paradise (v. 4), in allusion to the earthly paradise out of which Adam was driven for his transgression; it is called the paradise of God (Rev. 2:7), signifying to us that by Christ we are restored to all the joys and honours we lost by sin, yea, to much better. The apostle does not mention what he saw in the third heaven or paradise, but tells us that he heard unspeakable words, such as it is not possible for a man to utter-such are the sublimity of the matter and our unacquaintedness with the language of the upper world: nor was it lawful to utter those words, because, while we are here in this world, we have a more sure word of prophecy than such visions and revelations ")

after explainin his vision 14 years ago hes like.. its cool to boast about Christ within yourself as long its Him you are boasting or if you are boasting of your own weaknesses... (wow that takes boldness). He talks about how after these great revelations God has given him.. a thorn was given to him under his flesh to keep him from be conceited with the God given revelations.. He asked God to remove the thrown [3] times.. (there is that number imagery) and God said naa

"My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

wow... God wants us to lay down our wretchedness before him as one guy said tonight during his testimony... God wants you to re-fall in love with him every day you wake up. Every second you live, He wants you to worship his Goodness. His Goodness is the fact that no matter how wretchedly evil you are, He loves you. He wants you. He is in hot pursuit of your heart. He is your ultimate romancer. His Goodness is found in greater magnitudes the more wretched you lay yourself at His feet. He wants you to lie down broken at his feet so He can use His healing powers and rejuvenate your life into the most it has ever been.
"For when I am weak, then I am strong". True power is God's power.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" - God

~Forever Forward~

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

alriiiighty.. how bout that 208 test??? (here is where i am going to be arrogantly self-centered) BOOOOYAA. Mission accomplished. anyhooo I've really been contemplating life.. mmm.. good stuff yeah?

where am I now, where will I be next semester.. should I do this engineering stuff??.. should i just quit school and live in Mongolia for 30 years? What is God sayin!!

The more and more that i experience His amazing grace, light is defiantly shed on who He is and how He works.
I'm at a point of crossroads. -- I am searching the correct path to take.
"In God's kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value" - R. Warren

I know there is the perfect place in God's kingdom in which i intricately fit, but finding the place is where God intervenes.. as of .. the past few weeks I've really questioned whether the gifts God has given me will really be used to their upmost potential in engineering.. its still in the air!! i pray about it and am totally ready to submit and follow if God is ready to reveal a new path of choice.. I am called to serve somewhere! I defiantly don't despise my current standing in engineering, its fun believe it or not. I enjoy the challenge. But I have to define why I am enjoying.. am i pursuing false happiness?? am i only chasing a self-gratifying degree and career? Has God called me to serve in the Aerospace industry?

"Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve and to give my life" - Jesus

check this passage out in Warren's book...

"The bible says, 'Each of us will have to give a personal account to God.'...At that point, all our excuses for self-centeredness will sound hollow: 'I was too busy" or 'I had my own goals' or 'I was preoccupied with working, having fun, or preparing for retirement.' To all excuses God will respond, 'Sorry, wrong answer. I created, saved, and called you and commanded you to live a life of service. What part did you not understand?' The Bible warns unbelievers, 'He will pour out his anger and wrath on those whom live for themselves,' but for Christians it will mean a loss of eternal rewards." -R.W.

Then it goes on making another great point that if you aren't serving you aren't living, you aren't existing.. because you were created to serve! That is powerful man.
How intense is your servanthood?

~ Forever Forward ~

Monday, April 19, 2004

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk abou them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deut 6:1-9

tonight i did something a little different.. took a little leap of faith, checked out the 6:35 service at Alder's Gate. Man if i said the service didn't change a thing in my life, i truely believe God would strike me dead. That would be a lie beyond all lies. God has used Alder's Gate to inspire me to never lose facination in the Lord tonight. It totally has set my heart on fire for Him. The ministry has so much passion for Him that I cannot help but to shed tears each time I go to worship there. The congregation wants to know you.. man tonight at McAlisters I felt as if I truely intimatly got to know a couple of the guys through only a few hours of talking.. they were such awesome Christian role models that I cannot do anything but praise God for putting them into my life. I know I have found my church home, God has made that very clear to me. Now it is my job to use this guidance and offer myself to thier ministry. Tiffany has a cute little say'in in her profile:
God won't ask how many friends you had, He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend
I pray that God would give me the boldness to share my faith with everyone, no matter how unintimate our relationship has been in the past. There are some fokes i've known for years that don't know me. What is my problem????? I can go to a church and totally share my heart to a complete stranger.. but talk to someone that I have known and be over-reluctant. uhhhhhg..

"Talk abou them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates"

Praise God.

~Forever Forward~

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

take back the reigns, I've done it again.
"For everyone is salted with fire" Mark 9:49
I've let fiery seasoning scorch the beautiful salt of sacrifice within.
Even still, His salt is impenetrable and thats the beauty of His love.

" For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

His seasoned salt abundant in our life can't be messed with! His unbounded love is the driving force that motivates our lives as well as those around us. With Him in our hearts the love can only be over abundant! If thats not motivation i dunno what is. Last night I pretty much confessed to Eric that I've been pretty durn unmotivated.. man what was I thinking. Without God existing as the center of my universe, I am nothing and this world is a whole lot of nothing. The world can only take me to new levels of meaningly trials and trivial conquests. For it all is temporary.

Jesus proclaimed how to be first in His meaningful world, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all". He calls us to serve as humble servants to everyone, and I can imagine that the greatest test of faith would be serving your enemies with as much love as you do you wife or parents. That would be crazy! Jesus came to serve the world with the Ultimate Job. "to give his life as ransom for many"

"' Go', Jesus said, 'your faith has healed you.'..." Mark 10:52

~Forever Forward~

Friday, April 09, 2004

wow I love my Upstream group.. its just really awesome. Its really encouraging to see Michael engaged and loving the Lord the way he does. He has such an awesome relationship with his fiance and God! They have been the first excellent example of how a couple who love the Lord can truly glorify Him through marriage in my personal life. It was so rejuvenating to hang out with them tonight!

I don't want to seem selfish, but I as so spent! My body is physically aching from fatigue. It was hard work demolishing our amazing shack today.. then i smashed my hand :( (its my right hand rule physics hand too!!!). I'm tired of school. I just want to let summer start!! I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way.. but ya.. i do too.

I've been kinda laid back spiritually. Not in a mediocre of intensity fashion, but more or less in a listening fashion. I feel like I'm falling in line under His sovereignty and recognizing the fact that in order for Him to respond... I gotta listen.. and sometimes the response will take time. God is definatly preparing my heart for this summer, and its so exciting! I'm gunna have to share my life with my kids and get to know each and everyone of them in the time span of one week!! that sounds scary! He has been allowing me to share myself with brothers and sisters alot more freely and openly.. kinda like I've been coming out of my shyness shell. In the past, the only way to get me to share my testamony or to just get to know me really well was for that person to really have to "break my shell". I've seen that as a real weakness, the inablity to just share my heart with no second thought. But as of late, I've met awesome people who have truly help work on my heart and just had amazing revelations that have steered my away of this. It is so selfish of me not to want to share my life with a fellow brother or sister. I wish i had a little selfish switch that i could keep turned off. Alot of the times i have to review the situation and realize how selfish i really act... We are here to help each other out, not impede or hide our spiritual lives. I can so look at my past.. heck just last semester.. and see how blinded I was to His Will for my life. He changes everyone so dramtically!! I can't imagine being a Christian for 5 years... much less 20!! its so exciting to imagine how many awesome ways He will have the opportunity to shape and mold us into His image.

anyways... i just got a message that i agree with.. "TraciAnn423 (2:19:47 AM): you need sleep kid"
good night fokes!
~Forever Forward~

Saturday, April 03, 2004

ahh man you guys should check this song out when sung by Shane and Shane - When I Think About the Lord.. its my favorite worship song..

when i think about the Lord
how He saved, how He raised me
how He filled me with the Holy Ghost
how He healed me to the uttermost
when i think about the Lord
how he picked me up
turned me around
how He set my feet
on solid ground

it makes me want to shout
hallelujah! thank you, Jesus!
Lord, you're worthy
of all the glory, and all the honor
and all the praise!
Hallelujah! thank you, Jesus!
Lord, you're worthy
of all the glory, and all the honor
and all the praise!

(lyrics inspired by ephesians 2:4-7, and 2 corinthians 5:17)

Just think about Him. How he has worked in your life. How he has changed you, your ways, your all. His love inspires you to be a better person. Reflect his love guys... become a graven Christ-like image. The problems of this world are rooted in the abuse and maltreatment of people. So many nonbelievers have been scarred by people of the church due to their lack of pure love...

"hate the sin not the sinner"... this phrase alone in a prime example of how modern church has transformed Christianity into the love deprived group we are today.. If we hate their decisions, their acts, their lifestyles, how is it possible for us to love them through and through? We still Hate the fact that they choose to sin.. WE sin!.. hating their sins positions us at an elevated height... we are reaching down with love out of pity.. not love out of true sincerity.. Guys... love the sinner for what God created him to be. So many people are hardened at heart.. Their heart is covered in scar tissue, a lot of the times, created by people who claim to be Christian... so many wolves prance in sheep skin! woe to those who call themselves brothers!

Love is God's first and foremost commandment.. if we truly love someone... there will be no constraints on God's ability to use you as the most piercing tool on the shelf. Our purpose is to glorify Him... become more Christlike.. become more perfect... to live life most effectively.. praise God!

~Forever Forward~

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I wrote a little sumthin sumthin awhile back.. during a class I believe... it really encourages me when i am down. I read this poem and remember how great true faithfulness is and could be.

use me Lord
treat me with boldness
destroy my selfishness
show me Your Spirit

mold my heart
into a lover of your Word
for I am unworthy
of your unending grace
given to me
by Jesus' unspeakable sacrifice
Abba - allow my choices
to glorify your heart
keep my motivations
focused on The Depart
I fight to decide
who I am going to be
a lover of Your grace
or a reaper of Your Feat
but thats taken care of,
because you live in me
I pray you would lift my chains
when I face adversary
keep my life, my soul, my all
focused on eternity.

"For we do no lose heart, for outwardly we are wasting away, but inwardly we are being renewed day by day, for our light and troublesome worries are building us an eternal glory. So we fix our eyes on not what is seen but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is Eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I haven't done this in awhile... posting that is.

A verse that really has kinda gave me understanding this past week is

John 3:8 "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

This verse really means alot to me. Through the few years that I have served as a Christian, I have run across many people who in all utmost honesty need Jesus. If I were to try and explain to them what wholeness feels like, what a complete life is life, how God takes you and rebirths your soul, it would be way worse than if I was trying to explain to them Einstein's theory of relativity... cuz i have no clue how to describe it... and most likely they don't either. God picks the times and the places...

"No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up on the last day" John 6:44

God calls the unbelievers to see, not what I say or what I do. I am nothing. I am merely a medium used to open the eyes of the blind. If a non-believer doesn't respond to your outreach, don't feel discouraged... his time has not come. Sometimes I try to imagine what it would take for certain people to become Christians... its a scary thing to imagine.. God's works are mysterious and unpredictable, as well as, amazing.

When someone is placed into my life mysteriously or inconveniently I try to make a list of things God is doing through this meeting. How is He using us to enhance both of our loves for Him? This would be considered the "greater purpose" because this is the greatest purpose of mankind. Its destiny, loving our Father to the utmost extent. Every event has purpose within the web of life-- a purpose so advanced that it seems like the wind described.. beautifully unpredictable and refreshing in a sense.

remain ablaze brothers and sisters.
~Forever Forward~

Monday, March 08, 2004

"I'm a prodigal with no way home, I put you on like a ring of gold and run down the aisle" - Derek Webb.

Wow Derek Webb gave such a great concert! I love going to concerts and becoming exposed to the heart behind the music. This is definatly why I am such a fan of Shawn Groves, these guys are awesome christians. To me, amazing lyrics beats hardcore rhythem any day--- yet amazing lyrics and great beats make an unbeated duo :-) Knowing the inspiration of song you are singing gives it so much more meaning.
anyhoo--- i have a severe confession.

I am really struggling with self. I put myself above all things every day, all day. There are so many days that I just don't want to socialize. I bog myself into solitude. I settle for luke warm relationships. When I'm around friends, such as tonight, my words aren't those of a wise man, but instead, they are those of a self-rightous mercenary. I know it too! I feel the conviction so strongly! The words that exit my mouth are harmful and I feel so horrible about it. We are called to serve not as stumbling blocks-- but instead -- those who lift fellow Christians up. We are called to live a life of sacrafice. We need to be crucified inorder to feel and understand The Truth, His Truth, your Messiah's Sacrafice. I live life as a fool would. I live life with so little regards to That which defines me. So many times I turn down the Holy Spirit's Call. I ignore Him in order to remain in broken world.
The truth is, I love, yet I still defile.

I'm pretty excited cuz tommorow i'm joining Rob Adair's Life group!!! I'm gettin plugged into Alder's Gate-- I really feel called to get into the church, and become a part of a network of elder believers.

anyhoo-- Jaehun (eric's international student dude) is a very awesome guy! He's invited eric and myself to let him cook for us and watch movies at his house, How awesome is that man?? This guy is like in his mid 20's hanging out with me! That is so sweet-- he is so interesting.
So yeeeeah... I met another Kanakuk'er today through Katie Thamer-- I'm getting very excited about this summer-- I know God has great plans and I'm battling to prevent it from taking my focus off of the present. He fulfills great plans though me every single day.

ahh well i need some sleep!!! got midterms tommmorow morning.. I would really like to focus on praying for the multitude of trips that are occuring of spring break~ pray for safe travel guys-- ask God to place his hands on the wheel.

(too tired to proof read)
~Forever Forward~

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Life is beautiful.
I feel as though I am climbing mountains.
I know I am.

God defines everything I live for. Hes the love of my life. After Passion man I was cryin like a baby, I live for the Lord of Lords. There is nothing I will ever be able to do to understand how much it cost. Only through Christ may I be worthy of such. The farther I continue my walk with Christ, the more vibrant the Holy Spirit works through me. Its so awesome. He calls us to prepare, why?? cuz if we are prepared our hearts are capable of so much more. Becoming familiar with His Word is where it all lies. The relationship begins by asking Him into your heart. Thats only the beginning!!! Endless potential lies in the Word of Christ. For those who are walking devoutly, imagine yourselves 10 years from now!!! Imagine 10 years of knowing him in the most intimate way possible! "How much more the things of this life!".

I have felt really convicted as of late to truly sharpen my ability to share my faith with others. The ability to boldly eliminate any hindrance of transparency.

In order to reach out to fokes, I gotta, in a sense, be the one who pokes his head out of the tent when you hear the black bear rumbling through the camp. I feel as though I need to be the gallant warrior for Christ who, as a friend explained, is " sensitive in spirit". One who listens for what the Holy Spirit is calling him to do. God is the source of all wisdom. God is the source of all strength. He gives me all that I need, the only stipulation is, am I preparing myself to hear it?

pray for my discipline and discipleship!!
you guys are amazing.

~Forever Forward~

Sunday, February 29, 2004

I defiantly fell in peters shoes this afternoon. I felt like i fit the role of the man who denied Jesus the third time. I knew I would have its inevitable. I was devastated. I got back to wesley and found a verse that comforted my heart.
John 16:20 "You will weep and morn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."

How can I ever show enough gratitude? I am nothing. Gibson's Passion revives what i take for granted, God. I take every piece of Him for granted. Our frailty killed Him. We take part in the flogging of Jesus daily. How how can you question whether God loves you? That would be denying Jesus' death. It defined Love. it defined true forgiveness. it defined His liberating powers. Why must I still live a life of such little devotion. How sweet it will be to enter the kingdom not of this world.

"Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!" 1Cor 6:6

Friday, February 27, 2004

Have you ever prayed at the feet of Jesus? imagine.
Broken to a point that only He would be capable of lifting you to your knees.
I was once asked this question. It touched my heart.

Are my prayers meaningful enough for the lover of my soul?
Is my pursuit focused on the unseen?

Thursday, February 26, 2004


What does this word mean to me?

Integrity in a textbook is defined as "The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness. "
When Christ was accepted into my heart, integrity was given a meaningful definition. Having complete integrity outside of a relationship with Christ is impossible! With him at your side, all the sinful things that aren't seen by the world can be eliminated! Having integrity is such an awesome way to truly acknowledge our Lord and Savior, cuz he is omnipresent. --The dude knows everything. If he sees you in solitude saying man God I want to show you Love by straying from sin at all costs knowing that self-righteousness is unattainable. He's gunna get the warm fuzzy, and that is beautiful. I've been battling a verse this week, got a little assistance, but here it is:

1 Cor 5:11-13
11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.
12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."

It is tough man. It is extremely tough to determine who is truly wicked and who is a sinful man. It is tough to distinguish whether the sheep is lost, or whether the sheep is actually a wolf under sheep skin. I was and am still to a certain degree indecisive on how we are capable of "expelling" a fellow child created by Christ. If God's love and powers are so infinite, how can we be so quick to "excommunicate", in a since, a lost soul who claims to be a follower of Christ. How can we as humans judge his heart? How are we capable of establishing why he calls himself a brother. He very well could have felt Christ's knocking, or is just truly enthused about the entire aspect of being a Christian. bleh!! This is why the Word is so intriguing.

Yet I sit here and realize that no matter the situation, God will reveal to you the wolf. He will show you the righteous path to take. Our job is to keep up our end of the bargain and arm ourselves daily. Become fluent with the love letter left behind for us. Etch His face into your heart.

~Forever Forward~

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Nothing is impossible, Nothing. God is great.

God has shown the script for my life this year, and so awesome that nothing I can say would be able to express the joy I feel in my heart, its indescribable. God has a script for everyone and it is awesome! Because by playing the role of servant, our jealous God is capable of being loved in the most proficient way.

He wants us, he wants you. Wake up and scream out how beautiful your nap was, and how beautiful your fuzzy skrewed up hair really is. Ask him to show you the plans he has laid out for you. Take advantage of a life encompassed with endless joy through the precious sacrifice of our magnate savior.

I've been lost this semester in contemplation. Where does God want to use me? Where should I serve? I've asked God all semester where he wants me and I got an awesome answer. I first went to After Dark, and I sat by myself. I had no clue what was going to happened except I was gunna rawk out with By the Tree cuz they are off tha chain fo sheezy. It was so tight to hear the white man flow-- that was cool. Anyhoo-- I felt a calling on my heart that night. It started my senior year in high school actually. I feel called to love Christ through mentorship while serving as a rolemodel/spiritual guider/whatever else he wants me to do. He intentionally started my leadership service in high school on purpose, and I believe that. I felt a calling at After ark to become a part of the Kanakuk experience. It wasn't one of those things.. "OO that would be really fun and it would be almost impossible to miss finding God there".. It was more like Man God is telling me to do this. It felt so right. I talked to a leader after After Dark that night and I felt the Holy Spirit stir like a rabid hippo.

God longs for our pursuing. This weekend emotionally opened my heart when I met Jonathan. He was a Coast Guardy from Galveston. We shared our faith all weekend and truly become close friends in Christ. Man God is beautiful. John has struggled all his life, I do mean absolutely struggled. I had nothing to compare to the pain and suffering that God has tested him with. The most beautiful thing was that this guy knew who God truly is in his life. John was able to share the deepest, darkest flaws of himself without hesitation. He truly showed me what it was like to have a Brother in Christ. Parting with John was a hard thing to do, it was as if I knew him for many years. He and I both felt a great connection through Christ. We exchanged phone numbers and are gunna plan a weekend visit to Galveston sometime, that would be truly amazing. Hes the prez-d at Galveston Wesley, and let me tell you, the devil's works in the Galveston area is beyond belief. That is a reach-out mission in itself, ministering to fokes down there.

God has reasons for everything. I recently signed a contract with Kanakuk Kamp this summer. Words cannot describe the joy in my heart. I know God wants me there, that's the beauty. I am certain I am answering the call for my life. Its kinda like coming to AtM-- I prayed about it-- and applied to ATM only-- I wasn't even in the top 10%! Ha! Another example of God's extraordinaries. He sent me here, not my application. I can look back and say wow God has my life planned. He has plans for me to walk through beautiful pastures filled with his extraordinary love and extravagance. He has given me great ambition to love Him in an utmost manner. This weekend was about loving others, and once again WOW. Bang, Pow, Pop! All at once. It totally strengthened my ability to interact with fellow Christians. I can see myself serving at Wesley for years to come, and it is a beautiful foresight. I feel called to be plugged into Wesley, especially after this weekend. Whether it was because I got nominated for just about everything-- not by my fellow AtM students-- but by relationships I had made that weekend. I feel as though I was able to connect, and reach out to other absolute Christians.

Word of God Speak,
Would You pour down like rain,
Washing my eyes to see,
your majesty,
to be still and know,
that you're in this place.
please let me stay and rest,
in your holiness.
-Mercy Me

Make me the Breath of God -Shane and Shane

~Forever Forward~

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

i've had a great day, yet it has been miserable.
i'm tired... yet i act totally rejuvenated.
i have a test tommorow, and i can't wait to start it.

worship was awesome tonight. God definatly led me to the Wesley foundation for obvious reasons. At the wesley I'm able to become integrated into an enviroment that is very laid back and has multitudes of good times all the time. I do mean ALL THE TIME.

Man date auction was INSANE tonight. Our date had the worst outcome, yet I think it had one of the best. 5 girls get to go rock climbing and eat out at amazon cafe for $10 and $20!! that is insane!! Chris really read the date description wrong, but we were all laughing way too hard and too embarrased to correct him. We had the like most mac-dad date there, yet our attempts to portray a lavish Walton lifestyle automatically stereotyped us as the typical poor, unambitious, half-baked college students we aren't. With this mental block in thier heads, and the fact that Chris mis-pronounced "Thousand foot Krutch" as "Thousand Foot Crotch" , the uneasy bidders were convinced that these guys were barely worth opening bid. Let me tell ya the girls had some very undiscerning looks commin out da cheeks. Oh well, it was Hella funny... i think i nearly died laughing, but hey! i believe this is more of a fellowship project as opposed to fund raiser... why would Max truely want to take the college student's money??? there is greater purpose than to just raise money for things.. cuz wesley has got money. I've been hangin out with wesley fokes more this week than i have this semester. Its really awesome how Wesley truely is a unique christian organization. I can hang out with christian friends and without second thought share whats on my heart. Wow am I blessed or what??? I need to strive to intiate these conversations more often. I believe these convos keep my spirit on fire and allow God to work and build character through each experience. Let me tell you, Zac is a very awesome person. I truely believe his fruit of the spirit is wisdom. If you don't know him, i urge you to reach out to him.

I'm totally excited cuz Kanakuk clicked my digits today! how awesome is that? (they called my house and noone was home-- then when i heard it was past office hours.. so.. yeah. lol) God's plans are His plans whatever the outcome maybe.

Prayer is powerful. Why you may ask? It can change the mind of the creator the universe if used with the right motives... that is amazing.

Stay strong in faith guys. Let his love that overflows within your own heart reach out to others this week.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

this is gunna be about the ladies... how trivial is that?

its the infamous Valentines Day. i'm single, but i am no where near ill-spirited. God is molding a wife for me as we speak. She is being hand carved to fit directly beside me in this jigsaw world. Having to wait to meet her can only be a blessing. Instead of agony and lone sadness I can only wonder at how beautiful her soul will truely be. I believe its called patient endurance, 2Corinthians 1:6
If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

How awesome is that? God has everything ready for me, am i preparing? Taking another look at this proclamation makes me think wow, thats what life is all about, patient endurance. dude once we die its all goin down man, its the play you have been training for all your life, the triple threat screen pass with a little touch of salvation. living life on earth only creates great wonder of how beautiful it will be There. Its not like waiting in a dentist's office with the roaring screams and the sounds of a drill press coming from behind the door.

anyhoo awesome

Friday, February 13, 2004

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2corinthians 4:18

i just wanna start off saying wow, God is great.

proclaiming that statement with genuine words is the best medicine availible. I don't got alot to say for some reason, why? i can't say. my life has taken a 180 the past couple of weeks. I cleared distractions that sometimes purged time with the Lord, and I've taken great leaps of faith to define his beauty. He is so amazing. Where is God in my life? Hes right beside me. He walks with me to class, he sleeps with me in class, he studys with me in new and awesome ways each session. I've started meeting with an awesome influential brother of christ on mondays to study and totally expirence god in a private room at the annex. The way god has spoke to me through his abundant dicipline and faithfulness has inspired me to be a better person for christ, not a simplistic "good guy", that term means absolutly nothing. I hunger for rightousness. I hunger for the completion of my heart of God.

I'm so pumped about my life right now as well. School wise-- asi-asi-- its still iffy. I knew my stuff for the 208 test today. I was capable of reciting the chapters and its context to zac the night before. I pretty much gave him an A+ session. I hit the test and the concepts of the book, the homework problems, the EVERYTHING, was written in a foreign language. It didn't matchup with the test... i was like dang whats the dill pickle.

hmm it seems ironic how i didn't have anything to say. I suppose venting is a health issue, so why not keep going right?


I've tryed opening up these past few weeks. I think the mexico expirence/crunch time really opened my heart to the unseen. I look back on the footsteps, which record my life with christ, and am totally blown away at what i find. Hes driven my life on nitrous. Just a year after truely excepting big J, his will for me totally quadrupled and it was still H.S.! I was like dang man I'm on this crizzazy jesus high. He was like Ryan I want you to be the guy that fokes can lean on, through scouting, band, generation J, life in general. I made some awesome connections in such a materialistic age of life that will last for eternity. I'm totally thankful for whats been going on to this day. I know God is going to do and has done amazing things through me. I only wish i could serve as his tool with no other desires. I actually like reading diaries of earlier christians, its amazing to expirence thier great spiritual battles and relate with them totally, cuz its the same battle, no matter if they are john wesley or Grace's former preacher Dwight. I look up to Dwight to this day. His great faith of God relieved himself from ministry, not what the world thought. Its amazing to realize that there is no escaping temptation. I could grow up and head to semenary for 10 years... and still be in constant combat with the many temptation of lust, selfishness, and other indulging festivities.

Everything he has done in the past has shaped my heart of the present.

God has been amazing to such an unworthy donee.

Thomas if you read this, we do need that man time, big guy.

I want to know where God is in your life. It may not seem like it sometimes, I am very well defined as an intravert, but that is just a cop-out to avoid boldness. God has his reasons for everything. He didn't think it was my place to be an Impact councilor next year. I, for one, was kinda confused as to why, it seemed like it kinda fit in his pattern of my life, but man it only released relization that there is no pattern, God is an unexplainable, indescribable, omnipotent, unique presence of outlasting love.

"Though we do not lose heart...our light momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" 2corinthians 4:16-17

Though we do not lose heart. Though we do not lose heart, submission, humility, dicipline, anything that describes what brings you closer to God, since these things define what it is to live and learn to know God in a more intimate way, and since

His love is what defines each and everyone's heart. without it you are a "waif, a no man, a ship without a rudder." -forgotten author (lol)

i honestly don't feel like speel checking/grammer/puncuation checking im too durn tired :p

Sunday, February 01, 2004

ok so i slide my card to open my Walton dorm door only to find the entire first floor flooded. Three guys were standing there while I was "soaking" in the situation. I decided to ask what happend, and one of the three pointed at the water fountain that was stuck on "high" mode. Then i thought back to the previous events of the day... and was like... whoops i remember hitting the fountain earlier that day cuz it was stuck and made it worse... lol. He told me not to worry blah blah.. and so i asked uhhh who are you? ahh my RA's, thats pleasant to know. So we continued to stand in an inch of water on carpet and another was like.. hmmm "whoa dude its going to be funny when the power goes out, because all the hall's power wiring is right there in water". I was like "uhh well maybe we shouldn't be standing in the water." ( mmm the weed is good isn't it? )...

anyways that is my first Walton hall catastrophe.

I think I had an encouter with food gone bad yesterday cuz i'm pretty durn sick. We bar-B-Q's at bobby "swole" 's house yesterday, I dunno something wasn't right :x, so I've felt horrible all super sunday.


i got up way early and felt really horrible. but i still went to sunday worship at wesley :), it was definatly worth it cuz it hit directly home with me. I am for sure going to find time to open up to max this week, hes very inspiring. Then, since i lasted through wesley service i headed to Living Hope with Nathan, oh boy what a mess-- I ended up mudding to a parkin spot, it was jam packed. As the service progressed i started feeling really crappy again, i couldn't stand without getting dizzy. At one point i thought i was ok and stood up and felt the most lightheaded i have ever felt, like when u vision goes black and ur like crrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap my head. oh well. i survived and thought living hope was very exciting. I still am in pursuit of the fitting church home.

anyhoo its time for me to bask in sleep. I slept from 1pm to 4pm this evening..

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Wow school has started! I am back into circulation with a different agenda every single day!!

A tough issue I have encoutered is who i should share my time with. Where should I serve?
Who do I spend time with the most? It is very possible that I've over dedicated my time. Last semester I was all about being "on fire" for God. Each opportunity that I was given to praise and serve him through an organization was pounced on. Now this semester, school has started, WORK will start next week, all of my organizations are having reunion meetings, i joined Men's choir! (for the three weeks that it is going to exist), and I've added to my course load!!!!!!

something has gotta give to allow all of this to fit into my life. God's plan for my life is one of comfort and untouchable by stress. His works within my life will fit exactly into the continuum of my life. There will be no empty spaces, hes planned it all.

"Its not what you know, its who you know", this statement is spread across college campuses world wide.
Who do I Know? Who do I share my God given time with?

1. transparency: So fine in texture that it can be seen through

The best friends in my life are those who keep me informed of thier walk with Christ. I don't have to put on a face and worry about how they analyze the intent of my words. Our hearts are forever bonded by the love of christ, and inturn gives us a very deep understanding of one another. The capacity of the love we share is beyond all bounds. The bonds we share in Christ create the deepest friendship known to God aside to the relationship we have with him. I've created a few of those relationship this semester, and I have found that they are the people who truely are capable of delivering comfort and support when I slip or take a wrong turn on my great expedition.

So i've totally met alot of new cool people this semester and am arranging to meet many more and totally share the love thats overflow'in in my heart, and once more! I will put a special focus on outreach this semester as I meet new faces around me. I met someone in history class today and I knew that Yes there is a reason I am sitting here. I need to share christ, its what I'm called to do so i make convo and take names, preparing to go in for the kill..., then class starts, doh! I failed earlier that morning in the coffee shop. I had the chance to spark conversation but i totally decided not to.. I didn't want to I dont know why! oh well maybe it was God saying YOU IDIOT SAY SOMETHING!! I sat at the table for like 15 minutes without talking at all! I got my coffee and started reading... I was like.. hmm maybe i should say something... but then i was like hmm... i don't wanna bother anyone let me mosey on down to class in 45 minutes... it does take awhile to get from the library to heldenfelds... blah!! A great contingency to fulfill my purpose was once more blown by the intraverted moron!
life is nuts!