Monday, December 29, 2003

BE PREPARED! (a little boy scout action going on)

Things do and don't happen for reasons that none of us can phathom.

He calls us to be dressed for action with our lamps lit every day and night of the week. He is going to knock at a time unknown by any one except by the omnipotent universal creator. Knowing this allows time to control our lives.
How so?
Time is the interval seperating a continuum.
As christians we are awaiting our Saviour's arrival. This could be in the next 30 seconds!!! Are you prepared?
We cannot tame time. Preparation must be continuous! not sporadic!

Live each day as a joyous homecoming celebration for baby jesus, wildly on fire! A blaze that no man can control! Wake up to your first glimps of light hoping and praying that it is He who is at the source awaiting with a one-way chariot heading to our eternal resting place.

I can only imagine.

Live life as though He were holding your hand the entire time :)

peace out fokes.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

well my reflections on the past few days are kinda weary, definatly a slump due to the fact he keeps getting pushed to the side.

God is Great.
I am not.
I have passion for Him, and yet, I still deceive Him.
Life is depressing without God. Taking the reigns only makes things worse :/
I need him. I thrive on his blessings. I exist on his blessings. Noone said it would be easy leading a life through Christ and its not. Infact, i would say it is much more challenging.

On a brighter note, i am gunna start Wild at Heart tommorow after i open more presents :)

Praise da Lord for Baby Jesus' Birthday!

Saturday, December 20, 2003

there is definatly no word to describe humans better than "unique" or maybe a more flavorous "eccentric"

Without taking this into perspective, while meeting the multitudes in a new enviroment, deep feelings are accessible to the least of events! Making new friends, whether it be guy or girl, requires a patience that can sometimes only be found through ordinances of faith. There is always the "annoying" one who is placed in your life for this very reason; a test. Its part of a series of endless tests that build to the great exam at the end of our worldly time, and, my friends, it is cumulative based. Testing is how God gets his kicks out of us. He is a God of greed believe it or not! He wants everyone to love him beyond all bounds. A walk without jumps is boring! He wants us to be capable of fully trusting on him through think and thin. That's faith! Its durn hard to respond to a cripling tradgedy with "Oh God, how great thou Art!". That is an awesome understanding that I am being nudged to grasp as of late.

The unique natures of each and every person serve as a new adventure! sometimes this adventure is fun, othertimes it has short endings, but either way God is still the puppet master with purpose beyond understanding, great ehhh? I "tink soe"

God's Purpose in Your life: to please Him.
God's Greatest Pleasure: being known and loved.

~ Forever Forward ~

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

So i was drivin around today doing some errands and listening to a burned cd i made this week of a few bands im being introduced to, and this song really stood out.

Hey Wait - Sanctus Real

So confined to the fear that you hold on to
Time unwinds and nothing seems
Promised you

Hey wait, i want to take you for a ride
Hey wait, i want to catch you
While there's time

Who'll pick you up when there's no one
Who'll hold you up when your heart
Hits the ground?

So defined by a love that has fallen through
But hope is kind
When you hope in something
You know is true

Hey wait, i want to take you for a ride
Hey wait, i want to catch you
While there's time

I'll pick you up when there's no one
I'll hold you up when your heart
Hits the ground

You're tired and you can't take
Another time around
You know it's hope i'm holding
So i hope i've found you in this
(i've found you in this)

I'll pick you up when there's no one
I'll hold you up when you heart
Hits the ground

This is why christianity is so awesome. We got DC++++ (direct connection) with our best friend, the lover of our soul. This crazy dude wants us before its too late! Man its so sweet to know that no matter how crappy i am feeling, how torn i am inside, i can spend a little time in contemplation and get picked up to an elevation unreachable to pain and suffering. its sweet surrender. instead of raising the white flag to signal your enemies of thier victory, grab onto the white sheets and get pulled up

"Turn it up and let the people know, I'll never let it go, I'll never let it go!" -TFK
I would also like to thank everyone i know for helping shape the person I am today. I love you guys and pray that my actions may always serve as boosts for your own walk.

~Forever Forward~

Monday, December 15, 2003

Life begins. How beautiful it is.

Beautiful. Splendorous. Magnificant.

As a toddler, we were totally oblivious to our own beauty, our miraculous conception. It takes a few years to define the purpose of exisitance before one can truely grasp why life is beautiful.

Why is life beautiful?

The gift of life was given through one sole undertaking, that is awesome. Life is beautiful because no matter how much we fall, slip, or dive into things so complexly undefined, we can use a simplistic way to rediscover and reinvent who we are. We are loved to such an extent, that there is no other love comparable. Its a love that is unbounded to anything earthly treasures can hold, a love that cannot be truely concieved bya mere human. It's expanses are beyond our grasp man! We are loved constantly and its omnipresent state will never leave our side. So when you are down, when life hits you with alot of crap man, its alright. Its alright.

Why does life seem to be brutal at times of despair?

Ha, i know none of us will ever truely experience being forsaken, cuz it says he won't hehe.

His intricate plan is omnipresent along with his love guys. When an eleven year old kid is nearly drowns and goes into a coma, His will is in its most unconcievable state. But dudes, hes got it all mapped out. Collin is an innocent eleven year old who loved playing baseball and going hunting. But, instead of doing either of these, he is now staring in the biggest game of all. His life has fallen into the mercies of the Lord's intricate plan. God has taken him under his wing.

That is beautiful my friend.

Monday, December 08, 2003

Alrighty here I am.

Spent the entire day not studying four days before two final examinations.
Why don't i care? Because I had a great day.
I was able to experience His beautifully created day. The afternoon was so extravagently carved that i was able to find a grassy knoll, whip out some Mr. Warren and totally engulf in his glory. It was overwhelming paradise. So that lasted... about 4 hours.. lol. I fell asleep in the middle somewhere, it was so exhilarating!!

I do have work ahead of me, but i know that no madder what, i will perservere to the end because of Him. Its inevitable.

Trials and tribulations attempt to run our lives, such as the attempting to keep that 4.0. If we let ourselves remain on the freeway of stress and worry, there will exist only honking horns, graphic sign language, and choice words. Guys we need the scenic route alot of the time. We need our quiet time to recognize what he has given us.

Road rage can closely parallel with the fallibilities of man. You must confess that at one point and time within your life, you have been very angry with the ignorance of another driver. Your love towards this person quickly diminishes the moment they pull out infront of you. My cousin was murdered in houston on a freeway last year. A group of teenagers through a brick from the back of thier truck onto his windshield going 60mph. Why? Why would God let such an event happen. The brick itself did not kill him, his anger did. He chased this truck and forced it to stop. For some ungodly reason my cousin got out expecting to kick some butt and was struck in the head repeatedly with a board of nails. Grotesque? I think so.

Where is God's reasoning?

Well lets go back to the begining describing my awesome day. What defined my day as awesome? How was i able to distinguish this day from the rest? Without a bad day, how can i have a good one. How would I ever be able to explicitly give glory to God without events such as my cousin's murder? I pray for blessings and understanding upon his family, but I praise and exalt God. He has allowed myself to perservere from this tragedy by furthering my glorification of his awesome omnipotent presence.

I tend to miss the exit ramps.
" The path of life leads upward for the wise to keep him from going down to the grave." Proverb 15:24
Today's scenic route once more steered me towards Him.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

wow, so i've got alot of information to memorize these next two weeks...
so... i need to ask the 8-ball some questions... it is definatly my source of wisdom..

will i remember the information after christmas? Ha no way.
will have have the GPR required to stay in my major? Ha no idea.
do i have any clue what classes im going to sign up for in 3 days? Ha no clue.
does my name alone define procrastination? maybe.
will i survive? Lets hope so.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

wow dudes God is great.

the Ancient of Days, hes called
wonderfully magnificant in extravagance
clothing whiter than snow
at his feet, rivers of fire aflow
his will, wants, needs take all-
all of life's attention, not part
for part leaves whole behind
and behind is not a place to be left.

Twilight - The time of the day when the sun is just below the horizon.

A midway point of time, an area of true gray. Twilight is what sinners live in, a life of both worlds. The only difference in Christian sinners is that they are mere sinners saved by Grace even though night is still trying to hold on. Two worlds, one body. Two wills, one decision. Two desires, one heart. Two choices, one action. You have self rightousness in one hand, and holy rightousness in the other "The dawning day, the dying night". Twilight is where we bog down into sin, where the light turns gray, where our love's intent is shattered by evil, where it is good to be a Christian. His unparalelled love, the definition of true love, His sacrafice ends our twilight.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Praise Jesus. Man we are only pawns placed strategically in order to honor and glorify you and you alone.

Lord's will for Jeff has been found. He truely made it. His aspirations and hard work found His will and now look, the boy's gift is reaching thousands of people. I can only envy the focus Jeff has found. His story is a prime example of what i fear the most: submitting to God's will when it might not be part of my "Masterplan" so to speak. Man, Jeff is(was) a senior in college this semester and has worked with me at the station for two years, and he was about to get his degree in machinery mechanics when the offer of his dreams was placed into his life: to share God's word in Knoxville, Tennessee 6 nights a week professionally. The boy has got a voice. He dropped everything. When the Blackwood Brothers quartet called his house offering a position in the quartet due to the tenor having to quit, he left the next day to live up to his life's potential. He won't be able to come back and visit untill next year, and he left November 1st. Man that is powerful testamony.

My trip home also raised the issue of thankfulness, and i do think that i would never be able to thank my parents enough for what they have given me, everything. God, our father, gave his son, and my parents have devoted thier lifetimes for such an unthankful product of thier love. Man how can i ever repay any of them??? its going to be close to impossible to repay my parents, but God gave a priceless jewel, his own son, for my life. Man how can i thank him enough!!!!! good grief how pitiful and unconsiderate i am. It breaks my heart to know that inevitably i will cause God pain within the next 24 hours. Oh how i long for true rightousness man... that will be the ultimate high.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Lamentations has been hitting me all freggin weekend. Jeremiah must have really been a pimp for God to be able to express his emotions so vividly. Its as though he targets his words to my young frivolous generation who ale for Jesus but don't seek church. His mentorship is that of a wise elder hoping to enlighten a nieve youth of life and its trivias. At the peak of Jeremiah's message, at the pinnacle of his emotions, he exclaims "Great is thy faithfulness" (3:23). When i read this, i picture a southern baptist preacher screaming at the top of his lungs across the pulpit... Jeremiah is screaming at heart with joy that his awesome savior hath not forsaken and wilt not. His peaking message states " Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. " (Lam 3:22-23).

Every morning i wake, thank god because it says every morning his compassions change. In order for me to seek them i gotta get on da phone and ask for directions...

"The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young." (Lam 3:25-27)

Quietly waiting could take many interpretations. My own quietness at the present time consists of leading a life unattached from bonds that would bound my experiences to a certain group or person. Creating many aquaintances in which i am able to share my testimony and allowing myself to utilize the God given talents within myself such as the ablility to reach out towards others and serve as a mentor are both ways God has used my vessel as a life saving medium since high school. I can only pray that I continue to remain spiritually fit in order to be capable to build those relationships through christ and christ alone.

God calls me to worship him daily throughout the bible.. but as shaun said it doesn't talk anywhere about singing. It talks about outreach, studying his word, keeping my personal relationship with christ at a strong distance. (When i refer to it as a strong distance i imply that the work required to input space between the relationship is great, but on the same tangent, the work required to reach Rightousness is considerably harder. God challenges faith so we can express our true devotion towards him. God is jealous, he wants EVERYTHING!!!!! ) I am addicited to contemporary music worship, i must admit. The word is sumth'in i need to dig into, and will start to!
yiiiipeeee time for bed now.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

so i play chess right? in high school i was considered good within my youth group.. undefeated since our tournament in Mexico 2 summers ago. The truth in all actuality is that they were terrible. Its kinda how Churchhill described democracy... " The best of the worst". (Thank you Jon Bond). So when i came to college i started to play online alot during my classes... specifically engineering 111. My record is like.. 2 and 36. I am constantly in check and then mysteriously i lose! i don't even see it coming... its depressing! i suck at chess! granted these opponets have records exceeding 1000 wins. But the point of my story was last night, at 1 A.M. i was studying for my test this evening... I did not have time to study this weekend for it cuz i spent HOURS on phsyics... The cramming is causing stess, worry, guilt, everything satan could possibly manage to place on my heart. All of those things don't matter though, I lift them up to him and he lightens my load... so i opened up the bible last night and found a very promising verse that gave me confidence..

Jeremiah 32:40 " And i will make an everlasting covenant with them, that I will not turn away from doing them good; but I will put Fear in their hearts so that the will not depart from Me. "

After reading this verse it all made sense. If I didn't possess the fear of failure, would my walk with him consequently stumble or halt ultimatly? Good question. I merely a human in Check.

well off to watch the thunderbirds rock out, see ya.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

His will, not my will. Man before the sermon at breakaway started, i prayed. I prayed that my entire plan for life at the moment, my entire dream of the future.. was His will not my will.. The sermon TOTALLY HIT MY WEAK SPOT!!! OMGOSH! Breakaway tends to spank me every week!@!

Does he want me to be an Aerospace Engineer???? I don't know, I pray that he reveil the rightous path to take.. I just don't know... In a lunch bible study we explored this topic.. "Does god have a little plan for everyone of us.. does he have a job, a skill, a trade for each and every one of us... ??????????? The answer was no. The answer was that he doesn't have a secular job for each and everyone of us picked out... predestined to fall into.. but instead if we are to daily lift his name.. strive for his holy-rightousness.. the path taken in doing so will be his path.. His path is His will... His will is his word. Don't get me wrong.. God puts people in places to use the talents given to them by God, which might include secular jobs.. but god's plan won't always entail a 8-5, 5 day a week job.

I am very confused right now... but then again i know it don't matta.. my life is in his hands.. How can i explain this to my parents who don't share the word of god in my home? Will they understand if i say "Hey mom.. i decided that god's will is gunna do a little changing with our finances... ". Complications such as these prick my mind.. prick my brain.. deeply.. imagine a large thorn puncturing your physical brain.. weaving through your organ.. i have a headache at the moment.. thats what it feels like :( .. tonight breakaway ONCE MORE, emotionally banged me up.. i gotta admit i was tearin up a little tid bit :)

His life, his will.. not my own. I can only pray that i follow it. Surrendering All... Giving my life to gain his... Sacrafice.. man all of these are big words... easy to type... humanly impossible to fullfill 100%... thank you jesus!! :) i love ya man! Hehe i can't wait to hang out with him up dere... i bet hes got one heck of a sense of humor. Well lets hope i can get up and work out in da morning.. im slackin off!
night light.. night bright.. turn on the colorful shiny light

Monday, October 20, 2003

i haven't gotten around to posting one of these in a bit. This is actually in direct correlation with my walk with christ, sadly... I haven't been exactly living "on fire for god" but more so living "lukewarm", experiencing life inside my comfort zone. Today I wasn't able to wake up early like i usually do on mon/wend. and experience a beautiful morning on the way to the rec.. i was lazy.. i wanted to sleep just a little more... this is a definate example of one instance in which I didn't respond to god's awesomeness, but instead I attempted to satisfy myself with other things... i believe that as we mature in our relationship with christ, dicipline is a must man!!! my dicipline would include taking time out for god, looking, experiencing the world around myself such as finding a place to stare at the stars one night or getting up early as mentioned before and feeling an early morning breeze... keeping my temple at the upmost alertness (staying in shape).. giving my worries to him!! thats really hard during my school times... but i find when i do give everything to him, humbling myself towards him becomes much much easier in the long run.

If i didn't have to take summer school next summer i would most definatly work at Philmount Scout Ranch in New mexico.. I got the application in the mail last week-- I am still debating... i could just come back as a 2nd year freshman and go out there and work all summer.. it is SOOOOO beautiful out there, i definatly reached an all-time jesus high... his beauty was so abundant...

well anyhow, God is such a pimp!!! and like they say.. Pimp'in Ain't easy.. if that isn't an oxymoron i don't know what is.... lol

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Great things come, leave, wither into the past. But the greatest thing of all contains none of these attributes. The greatest thing one might possess is forever and omnipresent. So many things in this life gain priority over the greatest thing whether we strive for perfection or not, its human nature. We are not perfect. Its the understanding that we have these self-satisfying priorities existing within our heart that makes us Christian. We see our flaws.. our incompatablities with God's will.. our actions that result in severing God's heart. His love for us is abundant through thick and through thin. And as christians we believe Jesus was crucified in order to grant our forgiveness, no matter the degree.

One of the hardest things to overcome is to gather the courage to ask for this forgiveness. We must cry out out for our father to rip our pains, ales, worries, sins, constraints, Burdens out of our mind, our heart, our life. He can carry and does carry the weight of the world daily for all eternity. I can only hope that i will continue to be able to cry out daily, be able take the yoke off of my shoulder and instead take God's... cuz his yoke is easy, its virtually burdenless...

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

My most looked forward to worship service once more takes my knees out! its the service which i can physically feel the holy spirit flow through my body and make my shiver all over... the presence of god is omnipresent.. i can't see it possible for a non-christian to attend BreakAway and not be converted then and there. There is so many signs of god there that i cannot possibly express them. They are undescribable. As I worship I'm able to see, feel, understand why I follow God's word and lead my life in search of his rightousness, not my own. There was a part of the service in which we recognized the things that place constaints on our walk with god, things that hold us back from proclaiming at the top of our lungs God's word, things that attempt to fill the void in our lives, a void that cannot be filled without God himself... well the speaker was praying that we would be able to , at that very moment, remove those constraints.. put them into the past.. and relieve ourselves of our past with Jesus' sacrafice.. he asked the lord to lift the constraints.. and at that very moment it felt as if something, someone was rushing through my body, removing weight, removing pain, removing my past.. removing my self-rightousness, removing my guilt of submitting myself to temptation.. i felt the spirit flow through my body and i knew what it was.. as soon as the word "lift" processed into my brain i felt this awesome feeling and that is the feeling i live for, let me tell ya. That feeling is the Cornerstone of my life. So the series was about Jesus' presence in the past, present, future.......

My future is in his hands.. I have NO CLUE as to what i want to do.. what i want to be.. I want to be an Aerospace engineer.. but that possiblity might not play out.. i might not make the 2.85 GPR required to retain this major... if not then God obviously doesn't want me to do this! i feel the want to lead, nothing big, but i just need to explore this feeling, and see if its something that I need to focus more on.. i don't konw for sure it is or not, and as i said earlier i am reluctant to think so... its all in his hands! For realio!

I got some Kizzoool jesus friends, and i thrive upon them!!! i may scare them away at times.. but its all good!

anyways adios diary

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Sunday night, just finished my weekend long lab adequetly... its definatly B material so I am satisfied. Work was very long today... it went by so slow cuz it was so busy.. i hate working on sundays :( I feel the promotion coming very soon now, they are making me work more and more and the store manager talks to me alot... i will keep praying! The message tonight at the wesley really touched me. Erin talked about our "comfort zones" and how God wants us to live On fire for him, not luke warm.. He doesn't want us to reach a point with our walk with christ that is comfortable.. and never push ourselves to a faster pace.. he wants us to sprint 24/7!!!!!! i haven't been!! i feel that i've reached a point to where i need to do more!! I feel the want to lead very powerfully... but as I feel this desire, I know that it would be crazy cuz i have so little time and need more foundation with the Word. I can't wait till next year when i get the chance to lead the freshmen!! hehe.
I've been teaching myself the trombone the past week.. haven't gotten into anything hard yet, just learning the scales.. if i make good grades this semester im going to try out for concert band... i play the tuba but i can't practice it cuz there isn't one at the wesley.... so im just keeping my lips in shape! it doesn't sound that great cuz i don't know the slide positions!

Well tommorow i'm gunna go to rec at 8 to work out, time for bed

Saturday, October 11, 2003

How was god present in my life today?
this question is something i feel is required to be present in a christian's heart.

Today i was blessed cuz i had a cool ASM let me off work a little early so i could make it to the game with Wesley, i was excited! I think this was a god thing for realio! the fellowship was awesome.

I think god is telling me something that i really need to explore the definition of... patience.. it hit me like a sack of bricks tonight. If you guys didn't know already... i have given up dating.. until when? well untill i think that god has made me the person i need to be. I feel the calling of being a leader once more. I was projected as a leader through highschool and i know i will want to here. Right now will be preperation for the awesome things to come in my life. I have never heard myself talk about wanting to be a leader untill tonight.. maybe this is a sign. Sometimes i try to avoid coming to the realization that i might be called to be a leader.. i am scared of the fact that god might want this for my life because that would mean great sacrafice.... something the secular world of today makes extremely challenging... The only way for me to ever know what god wants with me is to ask him!! and i've been beggin that he tell me for a long time!! when the time is right he will drop me the d/l. I'm debating what church to go to tommorow!! i'll pray about it tonight and let god lead me in the morning.. good night and pleasant dreams.

Friday, October 10, 2003

80's rock my world! I got back from the BYX open party tonight, it was bumpin... i must admit the women's fashion of the 80's is definatly a turn off... lol. I went with marcus, we rolled hard haha. I met lots of fokes there and hung out with Tiffany for awhile. Well i can't think of much to say about tonight now.. i started a the begining of a long paper... gotta finish it tommorow plus make time to visit tiffany after working from 8-12 and going to the game... i most likely will leave early to go work on my paper! I once more notice how anti-social i truely am. I got to know really noone tonight but i did spend time with tiffany so its all good. I think she got mad at me though... she wants me to go eat tommorow with her friends so i'm gunna go. She asked me and i was like well hopefully.. and she did the little puppy dog face.. ahhhhgggg. so yeah thats where i'll be tommorow night. Oh yeah!! i talked to my parents for like 30min tonight.. they are mad at me because i haven't contacted thim in like 7 days... haha they never responded to my email!! but mom said she spend like an hour typing me an email and it didn't send and she didn't know it so they were worried about me for a long time :( . i felt bad and dad pretty much said i have to contact them every 3 days... lol. Bill is doing better!! (hes the old dude who got run over by a tractor). They poped his hip into place easily and he just lost alot of skin on his back so hes going to be ok. I can't wait to get back home and visit now, i'm actually missing my parents haha. I miss the times i had with my sister and playing with my dog... ahhg. In college i can only get by knowing that god is there for me.. i don't know how i would survive and be able to stay away from unsatisfying wants without him.. i wouldn't be able to thats all there is to it. well this is good night fella i gotta hit the sack now.

see ya l8rs journal!

Thursday, October 09, 2003

This is Thursday night... the conclusion of a very ackward night. It had its blessings and depressions, but its all good im still kick'in right? The worst part was I didn't get to play with kids :(. That is 2 weeks in a row i haven't been able to make it, that is so uncool. My engineering group made me stay and finish a project due on tuesday... I was so sad :( .

A blessing would definatly have to be Upstream. That is an awesome ministry. The worship might need a little less accoustic and more vocals but its great either way! My group has to be the coolest. We played sardines in the MSC, it was fun hehe! The best part had to be worship, it was great stuff! Then we went to Bernies and had some late night ice cream and chatted about random stuff.

After i departed from the group i found a grassy knoll and watched the clouds fly past the moon, it was so awesome... I could stare and see the bright moon shine through the clouds. It was amazing how the mind illustions played with me.. hehe. It looked like the eye of god was looking down upon me. So yeah tommorow i gotta work at HEB at 8AM... good stuff that means i get like 6 horus of sleep!!!! weeeee. I will be a drone bagging groceries the first 2 hours.. then eventually i will wake up. I have to work during the game too :(, i was looking forward to going to the game with the wesley. Oh well I'm headed to bed, I don't want to be totally inoperable tommorow!
bye journal! (lol)
Thursday is a day i look forward to each and everyday. Why? well... no school on friday!! haha, that, by far, is not the only reason. I am ecstatic about the fact that i get to play with precious kids tonight! I love kids, thats all there is to it. Through highschool i participated in the PALS program my junior and senior year... (which is why i've never had chemestry or AP physics lol). The PALS program allowed my inner self to blossom into the person I am today. Leadership and role modeling is something I will always cherish. The only problem with my leadership skills is the fact that when the opportunity arises to aquire the position, I am the last one to volunteer, especially if i am not very very acquainted with the subjects of the group. So im shy... Another reason is I hate to see people in anguish. It saddens me to see that i may have caused someone's heart to break, feelings to be hurt, or any other pain in someones life over something like a position. I think that if I am able to prevent any of this happening, there won't exisit tension or hard feelings towards myself the rest of the year. This happend way too often in high school club elections and within my own youth group. So let me finish about my day to come!!

For lunch, at 11:30 i get to meet Michael, my Upstream group leader and some more upstream guys in group 10 baby!! They are awesome! Then tonight is when Upstream occurs so its gunna be like super duper awesome!, by the way i am passionate for the word "awesome", it is a descriptive word you will hear often from me.

Problems with this weekend. I have many many issues to deal with, and I don't think I am going to be able to handle them all! For one, I haven't checked my schedule at HEB yet.. so I don't know when i work.. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN GO TO THE GAME! Its insane, but work comes first, Period. God has made me keep this job for a reason. He knew that my loan would magically disappear causing me to rely on my job for weekly expenses... ESP. since i have a meal plan for one a day and i've only used like 10 all year.. lolz.. im insane. I think i'll get smoothies for all 3 meals in one week.
Ok now to list the things that I want/need to partake in before the weekend expires... for one, my ex-girlfriend is coming up from AtM Galveston to watch the game... she is staying at a friend's house named Kelli and I want to spend time with her! Two weekends ago I got to get to know Kelli very well, its kinda funny she lives like two blocks down from me in my hometown and coincidentally we never got to know each other. Kelli is an awesome christian as well as her sister, and we shared all of our views on life and contemplations of dating in general. I think the lack of social skills on my part has placed a subconcious or possibly concious barrier on our friendship though, so i don't know what is going on there. Then my bestest best buddy from home is going to a Jeremy Camp concert Friday and I so wanna go cuz I haven't seen him in a long time! I don't think i'll be able to make it :(. I also have to fit in a 6 hour Lab due by 8am on monday.. so.. that is going to suck... also physics is due monday and that will be horrible :( .

There has to be a reason why i am not able to have a girl as a best friend. Tiffany and I are good friends but its kinda hard to not have a best friend in college station. I don't know why but there must be a reason!!! I only wish they could comprehend the fact that I am not attempting to advance into thier personal bubble, I just don't know how to communicate without the hint of flirting i guess, heck I dont even know what flirting is constituted as lol. I was talking about this with tiffany, we are good friends even after we broke up, this isn't something seen very often but it definatly was a God thing.. We share with each other our godly experiences, and, of coarse, I try to run away all the guys because she can't date if I'm not!! lol just kidding. I think she thinks I'm a control freak.. i probably am and just haven't reached the realization yet.. haha. Words can take my knees out though.. she knows how to hurt me let me tell ya! she doesn't do it on purpose though!! (incase she reads this lol). Apparently she thinks that i think that everything is always about me.. which is most likely true.. that could be why i don't have any true best friends right now. How am I to fix this?? good question. When i meet someone I get to know them.. the basic questions. I love to throw questions of faith out first, I am a sucker for a good theological discussion, and i love hearing of other's faith. Its something that definatly tickles my intellect hehe. But in the end I can never follow through with meeting someone. I talk to them once, connect at a certain level and have to disconnect and can never establish that connection again.. yeah that was really nerdy haha. My personality requires that I connect with the group of friends before I am able to just be cwazy and totally open up to a new level. I REQUIRE atleast a mild understanding of the generation of thier thoughts so I am able to compensate and not produce an action that will hender their relationship with God or myself.
As a christian, the biggest complaint i hear from non-believers about the body of christ as a whole, is that they question our decisions made out of church. They ask how can Christians attend church sunday with a hang over? How can they act so entirely hypocritical and not possess a guilt unsurpassable of God's love for us? Well, there are two answers to this question:

1.) Christians who practice hypocracy reflecting God's image to non believers in an unpure way are in a sense false prophets. They at a very low point in their walk with christ, but the difference between a christian drinking and your average joe is the fact that they know they are sinning, they know that they have fallen in thier walk, and they are living with unsurmountable guilt that is resulting in driving themselves away from christ. The awesome thing about it is that if they full-heartedly ask for forgiveness and repent thier slate is washed anew and they are relieved of all guilt and stress.

2.) Once someone has accepted Jesus Christ into thier heart, felt the awesome power of love God gives you for One Second as Max said in a past sermon, he will never turn back to a life without christ. Being a christian doesnt mean we don't sin, premarital sex, lie, cheat, steal, ect. ect. ect. It only means that we have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that relationship entails that doing those sins would breaks his heart, but there is a way to gain forgiveness. We have accepted him into our lives and thanked him for giving his life to forgive us for all the sins listed above. This forgiveness is infinite, all we have to do is bow humbly before god and repent. Thats it! thats how christians are able to sin and remain christians.. its a concept that non-believers must experience!! because it breaks my heart to see someone lost.

SO ANYWAYS.. now that i have once more rambled with passion.. hehe. I am going back to the subject of not opening up untill i can have a mild understanding of thier thought process... that is just how I am.. hehe.. quiet untill proven safe! Well anyways im gunna head off and meet my upstream group now, maybe sleep for 15min before! haha. byebye journal!! (lol)

I must attribute the idea of keeping an online journal to Marcus, a friend from the Wesley Foundation at A&M.

I Ryan Morton am a follower of Jesus Christ. This statement has been true since 11:35PM July 27th, 2000 in the sanctuary of a Methodist Church in Friendswood Texas after a worship service on a wendsday during a week of UM Army. Since that day, my walk began. I am a deep thinker, thats all there is to it. I'm not boasting saying this, but my thoughts encompass around the greater picture where ever i go. God is present everywhere. Even as I place my testamony into text God is working through the text sharing his message through my thoughts. I've talked to God more than any person on earth since I've come to college. He and I are very tight at the moment. This does come with a downfall though cuz i know i am human, i know i am going to slip, fall, cut my body ( I have a bad tendency to require stitches every 1-2 years), and practically fall walking with Christ. This is inevitable and it breaks my heart to know the time will come. I will break your heart god, i will knowingly do that which you forbid (Just for who ever reads this info, when I ponder to myself, such as now, I tend to just direct my comments towards god systematically... so deal with it lol). I know that the second i ask for your forgiveness, its granted and the entire sum of my guilt and shame becomes differentiated to zero. It makes me want to cry with joy when i think of the awesomeness god has on campus life. I HAD NO CLUE I would be able to worship god the way i have the past weeks. Let me tell you, God has been ever-so present in my life and i have many stories to prove it!!!

Haha its funny how i think someone will actually read all of this, its cool though it lets me vent... speaking of wanting to vent, i have noone to vent to yet :(, still searching for a true "best friend" that will listen to my ales and fill me full of thiers. Just thinking of this makes me miss friends from home. Ya know, i really don't know how to write a journal... maybe i should focus on a topic... hmm i'll just consider this an introduction to my thoughts. I walk through campus each day, (sometimes ride) wondering about the many people walking around me. I wonder if they too possess the awesomeness of the holy spirit or even if they have heard of this. Outreach has been a focus with my christian walk for a few weeks now, and GOD DEFINATLY has blessed me!!! it has been SO awesome :) . Just thinking about what i've experienced compels me to have to hold back my emotions and not drip tears of joy. Ever since i was little, i've been considered a "cry baby". I remember in 8th grade i was getting picked on in football, someone stole my lunch check and taunted me.. i just started crying :(. That is how i deal with great stress as well, haha i bet you haven't heard that from many guys! I remember the second I was told a day before graduation that i wasn't going to graduate. If i tell someone this story they kinda shake thier head... pretend to understand and care. I'm like.. if they only knew the pain, heartache, anger, disappointment that revolved around my head that day. My faith definatly took a beating, all i wanted to know was why. The drive home was one of the most dangerous things i've ever done, i don't remember ever being able to keep my eyes dry enough to see... all i thought about was the 68 i made on the test i had just taken to try and test out of health class... Senioritis mixed with an intense case of procastination had caused these pains... so anyways I am having the worst day of my life, my relationship with Tiffany, my girlfriend of, at that time 8 months, and I was also going through many misunderstanding causing an overall damper on the week of graduation. I was Not excited about graduating, it was a very horrible weekend. So yeah let me regroup and cut off the rambling, i could go on all night chatting about experiences of the past! Ha! Actually, this is kinda current. Let me describe to you the worst day of my life at Texas A&M. The depression of this day alone surpasses the sum of my entire time here. First off, I have to work at 8AM and its a thursday night. A friend from home wanted me to go dancing.. i kinda blew him off cuz the weather was HORENDOUS!! it rained REALLY REALLY hard. So I am headed to wesley cuz thats where i like to go to "hang out". I had gone home the weekend before and my parents are in a stage at which they really haven't excepted the fact that I won't be in thier lives much anymore. They Hate Change, period. So i am the typical college student that doesn't call them on a systematic basis. So .. i hadn't talked to them since the weekend before... Anyways.. i get a call from Mom. She is very upset and starts off saying how much she loves me. In order for you to understand the emotions that the phrase "I love you" from my parents means to me, you will have to hear of my childhood. My homelife was in no way affectionate. As soon as I hit 5th grade I evolved into a state of rebellion. I was the "grunger" whom wore the airwalks, vans, baggy jnco's.. jamed to Marlyn Manson, Korn, Metalica, and many other depressing bands in which i sought shelter, sought coolness. I rejected my parents, I disowned them. Why? haha good question, only God knows why. Ever since that evolution I haven't gained physical or verbal affection back from my parents. I streched my dad's patience to a point that would drive the ordinary human mind insane. His will power surpasses that of most. I look up to him with a passion and it shatters my heart thinking of the pain I've caused him. He has a great heart. Dad has sacraficed so much just to give me the chance, give me the hope, give me the ability to succeed in life. All i want to do is to make him proud like most kids do. He has worked many long saturdays, out of his own free will to get a little extra money to make our lives a better place. For this i am thankful and will never forget. But back to my horrible night...... mom informs me that our Loan has disappeared... the loan that had been signed sent off, accepted by A&M had disappeared into thin air. This i knew could be handled, this wasn't by anymeans the reason i cryed that night. Money is nothing but a medium in my life. It only gives me the power of survival. The reason I became so distraught is because I had called my mom earlier that day to tell her that they needed her to call them with her SS# ect. in oder to find out info on my loan, had to leave her a message. The moment she heard there was a problem with the money situation, she left work, knowing that it could have possibly been the worst time ever, pissing her boss off, driving back home, 45 min away (because long distance is free at home phone). As soon as she got there she devoted hours straighting everything out for ME! Her livelyhood at stake! man i was so like WHY would you do that mom? you know your boss is going to get pissed! what gives you the intuition to sacrafice so much for such an undeserving person such as myself??? there is no way i could every repay my parents. The moment i talked to my dad, i could hear the pains of his heart screaming, I could hear the weakness of his voice and that weakens my knees just to think of my great father, 6'4'', stout great man to be humble in my presence.. that is something that i haven't felt since I was little. After we talked for a little bit, we said our good byes and there exisited an unsurmountable silence on both ends. Then he gracefully exclaimed that he loved Me. This comment was a barrier breaking experience for both of us. Its like all the years of rejection, anguish, disentment and what-all else you wanna call it was washed away, just as Jesus can wash away our sins. It was as though our relationship was rebirthed into something great. After we hung up I was definatly emotionally unstable and headed to the sanctuary and prayed for an hour, then called an awesome friend, Rober Strong, and prayed with him over the phone (this guy is awesome). I hadn't experienced faith in person with anyone at the wesley yet.. LouLou could sense my anguish and made the effort to reach out, which i am truely grateful for. That is why i love the wesley foundation, it reminds me of home, friendly and careing even though they can be weird at times!! haha just kidding. But anyways what toped the night off, as i was driving back to my dorm the rain pelted my windshield causing me to only be able to see like 10 ft ahead of me.. so i'm driving through northgate trying to get on university and 3 drunk remain arbitrary in the middle of the road with me at almots zero visibility. I slam on the breaks and skid into a girl and she actually gets hit by my bumper but its like im not moving at all though. This tramatized me for real i didn't know what was going on, what was god trying to get me to realize? i could not figure it out. I had already had a horirble night, repented, praised him. I just couldn't find his will in the situation!! i still don't know why.. maybe it was to even type these words and describe how he has a will no matter the situation!! who knows!! either way it was hella scary! so yeah thats the worst night at A&M i've ever had. well im headed to bed.