Thursday, October 09, 2003

Thursday is a day i look forward to each and everyday. Why? well... no school on friday!! haha, that, by far, is not the only reason. I am ecstatic about the fact that i get to play with precious kids tonight! I love kids, thats all there is to it. Through highschool i participated in the PALS program my junior and senior year... (which is why i've never had chemestry or AP physics lol). The PALS program allowed my inner self to blossom into the person I am today. Leadership and role modeling is something I will always cherish. The only problem with my leadership skills is the fact that when the opportunity arises to aquire the position, I am the last one to volunteer, especially if i am not very very acquainted with the subjects of the group. So im shy... Another reason is I hate to see people in anguish. It saddens me to see that i may have caused someone's heart to break, feelings to be hurt, or any other pain in someones life over something like a position. I think that if I am able to prevent any of this happening, there won't exisit tension or hard feelings towards myself the rest of the year. This happend way too often in high school club elections and within my own youth group. So let me finish about my day to come!!

For lunch, at 11:30 i get to meet Michael, my Upstream group leader and some more upstream guys in group 10 baby!! They are awesome! Then tonight is when Upstream occurs so its gunna be like super duper awesome!, by the way i am passionate for the word "awesome", it is a descriptive word you will hear often from me.

Problems with this weekend. I have many many issues to deal with, and I don't think I am going to be able to handle them all! For one, I haven't checked my schedule at HEB yet.. so I don't know when i work.. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN GO TO THE GAME! Its insane, but work comes first, Period. God has made me keep this job for a reason. He knew that my loan would magically disappear causing me to rely on my job for weekly expenses... ESP. since i have a meal plan for one a day and i've only used like 10 all year.. lolz.. im insane. I think i'll get smoothies for all 3 meals in one week.
Ok now to list the things that I want/need to partake in before the weekend expires... for one, my ex-girlfriend is coming up from AtM Galveston to watch the game... she is staying at a friend's house named Kelli and I want to spend time with her! Two weekends ago I got to get to know Kelli very well, its kinda funny she lives like two blocks down from me in my hometown and coincidentally we never got to know each other. Kelli is an awesome christian as well as her sister, and we shared all of our views on life and contemplations of dating in general. I think the lack of social skills on my part has placed a subconcious or possibly concious barrier on our friendship though, so i don't know what is going on there. Then my bestest best buddy from home is going to a Jeremy Camp concert Friday and I so wanna go cuz I haven't seen him in a long time! I don't think i'll be able to make it :(. I also have to fit in a 6 hour Lab due by 8am on monday.. so.. that is going to suck... also physics is due monday and that will be horrible :( .

There has to be a reason why i am not able to have a girl as a best friend. Tiffany and I are good friends but its kinda hard to not have a best friend in college station. I don't know why but there must be a reason!!! I only wish they could comprehend the fact that I am not attempting to advance into thier personal bubble, I just don't know how to communicate without the hint of flirting i guess, heck I dont even know what flirting is constituted as lol. I was talking about this with tiffany, we are good friends even after we broke up, this isn't something seen very often but it definatly was a God thing.. We share with each other our godly experiences, and, of coarse, I try to run away all the guys because she can't date if I'm not!! lol just kidding. I think she thinks I'm a control freak.. i probably am and just haven't reached the realization yet.. haha. Words can take my knees out though.. she knows how to hurt me let me tell ya! she doesn't do it on purpose though!! (incase she reads this lol). Apparently she thinks that i think that everything is always about me.. which is most likely true.. that could be why i don't have any true best friends right now. How am I to fix this?? good question. When i meet someone I get to know them.. the basic questions. I love to throw questions of faith out first, I am a sucker for a good theological discussion, and i love hearing of other's faith. Its something that definatly tickles my intellect hehe. But in the end I can never follow through with meeting someone. I talk to them once, connect at a certain level and have to disconnect and can never establish that connection again.. yeah that was really nerdy haha. My personality requires that I connect with the group of friends before I am able to just be cwazy and totally open up to a new level. I REQUIRE atleast a mild understanding of the generation of thier thoughts so I am able to compensate and not produce an action that will hender their relationship with God or myself.
As a christian, the biggest complaint i hear from non-believers about the body of christ as a whole, is that they question our decisions made out of church. They ask how can Christians attend church sunday with a hang over? How can they act so entirely hypocritical and not possess a guilt unsurpassable of God's love for us? Well, there are two answers to this question:

1.) Christians who practice hypocracy reflecting God's image to non believers in an unpure way are in a sense false prophets. They at a very low point in their walk with christ, but the difference between a christian drinking and your average joe is the fact that they know they are sinning, they know that they have fallen in thier walk, and they are living with unsurmountable guilt that is resulting in driving themselves away from christ. The awesome thing about it is that if they full-heartedly ask for forgiveness and repent thier slate is washed anew and they are relieved of all guilt and stress.

2.) Once someone has accepted Jesus Christ into thier heart, felt the awesome power of love God gives you for One Second as Max said in a past sermon, he will never turn back to a life without christ. Being a christian doesnt mean we don't sin, premarital sex, lie, cheat, steal, ect. ect. ect. It only means that we have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and that relationship entails that doing those sins would breaks his heart, but there is a way to gain forgiveness. We have accepted him into our lives and thanked him for giving his life to forgive us for all the sins listed above. This forgiveness is infinite, all we have to do is bow humbly before god and repent. Thats it! thats how christians are able to sin and remain christians.. its a concept that non-believers must experience!! because it breaks my heart to see someone lost.

SO ANYWAYS.. now that i have once more rambled with passion.. hehe. I am going back to the subject of not opening up untill i can have a mild understanding of thier thought process... that is just how I am.. hehe.. quiet untill proven safe! Well anyways im gunna head off and meet my upstream group now, maybe sleep for 15min before! haha. byebye journal!! (lol)

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